Celebrating a year post thyroidectomy and the end of my Whole 30

Today is my official anniversary of having my thyroid removed.  I thought I would have some type of emotion attached to this day, but I don't.  I think it probably took a little less than a year to process that my life would be different.  In the beginning, I was angry.  I was so upset that I did not have cancer.  I know that sounds crazy, but I felt a bit robbed.  The whole reason I did the surgery was because of the cancer risk and not to have it, did not make sense to me.  I essentially had a surgery that was unnecessary.  Once I was able to get pass the anger, I think I entered a stage of fear.  I was afraid of missing my medication.  I mean, I would be in full panic mode.  Those 2 little pills that I take every morning are what keep me alive and I don't think most people like me think about it often, but it is a fear of mine.  It is a quiet fear now, but it was quite loud a few months after surgery.  The months leading up to this anniversary were a mix of emotions that I hold quite close to me; however, I don't mind writing about them at the moment.  I struggle with depression that is tied to toxic people. I was beginning to get caught up in it all and decided to talk to a therapist.  The therapist is one of the people that I can credit to getting me on the road to healing both in the mind and body.  I only had 4 sessions, but I cried about my health issues and I didn't feel guilty about it.  I had taken this strong stance that I wasn't going to cry about this thyroid stuff because other people have so many issues that are much more serious than mine, but I was hurting myself by keeping it inside.  I finally released all those feelings and have felt much better ever since.  I also let someone (my father) very close to me go too and it has been hard to deal with, but the relationship was toxic.  I hate that the therapist was right about the relationship we had and sometimes I can't believe how much more at peace I am without him in my life.  It is unnatural in some ways to no longer communicate with someone who had a part in you coming to be, but when that person genuinely does not care about you and aims to tear you down, it is imperative that the relationship discontinue until one can heal.

I remind and read this quote quite often:

"If we want to reconcile with our family or with friends who have hurt us, we have to take care of ourselves first. If we're not capable of listening to ourselves, how can we listen to another person? If we don't know how to recognize our own suffering, it won't be possible to bring peace and harmony into our relationships" - Thich Nhat Hanh

My healing is both inside and out.  I have learned that one does not happen without the other.  If stress continues to be a factor, then so will sickness in my body.  If I continue to distract myself from past hurts, then my present will constantly involve trips to the doctor.  It is just that simple for me and I am learning to balance it all out.  

In other news, I have finished MY Whole 30.  I did not do a whole 30 days, but I thought I would end it today considering this was my anniversary and all. It was rough for me, but towards the end everything balanced out.  I lost 2lbs, which isn't much to me, but it was never about the weight anyway.  I celebrated today with some primal zucchini brownies and they were delicious, but too sweet.  I did not overindulge either, which I credit to my Whole 30 (26).  That's all for now.

Breathe and Listen

Vlog with my Cousin/Sister/Best Friend

Okay, so my cousin and I did a tag video for her youtube channel.  I think it is pretty funny and cute and I thought I would share it here on my blog.  Of course, my cousin is on your right (looking fabulous) and I am the plain looking girl on your left.  We basically just asked one another questions about...stuff.  It was a ton of fun. Just press play below:

Breathe and Listen

Whole 30 Day 23

Okay, so I have missed a number of days blogging.  As usual, life just seemed to keep getting in the way and thankfully I have carved out a moment to sit down and type.

The last time I blogged, I was on day 15 of the Whole 30 and I was literally losing my mind up until that day.  I can only assume that my body was doing some type of detox and it was all mental.  I haven't really lost any weight, but I also have not weighed myself.  I've been coming up with some really interesting meals too and I am quite proud of myself.  I post what I eat for dinner most days, so if you want to take a look just follow me at http://instagram.com/buterflisoldier or look up my name "buterflisoldier".  Here are some of my new creations:

Lamb with cauliflower and broccoli

Chard with ground beef, tomato, and avocado 

Ground beef with chard, carrot, jalapeno, broccoli,  tomato, and avocado

Homemade guacamole, curry chicken with chard (top), curry chicken with cauliflower (bottom)

Cabbage tacos (ground beef, tomato, avocado).

I look forward to the Whole 30 ending.  I expected to have a ton of energy and feel great, but that has not happened.  My energy is considerably lower, but I also have some other health issues going on right now, so that could have a part in why I just have not been feel well.  I will say that I am not getting bloated anymore and I'm not having in trouble in the bathroom.  The Whole 30 has all my pipes working quite well.  Anywho, that all for now...

Breathe and Listen

Hematologist

I've been kind of hinting around on some of my recent posts about something going wrong medically.  It is not completely thyroid related, or at least I don't think so.  My blood work has been coming back odd.  My white blood count is low. My platelets and neutrophils are also low and my lymph is high.  The blood work was not alarming at first because I believe the doctors simply thought I must have been fighting some type of infection.  An alarm went off when I continued to have issues with fatigue even after I was supposedly cured of my thyroid ailments.  About 18 months ago, my doctor ordered a test to see exactly what was going on with my blood and found that I had more young red blood cells.  I don't know all the details, but she said that she thought I could have ITP and suggest I see a hematologist.  At that time, I didn't want to.  I was very worried about my thyroid situation and honestly didn't want another issue on my plate.  Now that my thyroid is removed and I still have moments of exhaustion the blood was looked at more closely and I finally agreed to see a hematologist.

I went to see the hematologist last week and the appointment went well.  I was extremely worried because my labs definitely show that there is a problem.  The doctor was quite nice and she told me that she thought there was an issue, but that it was not an emergency.  She ordered a ton of tests and I have to have an ultrasound to check if my spleen or liver are enlarged.  I go back to see her in about a month and at that time she will decide if I need to have a bone marrow biopsy.  I asked her what might be wrong with me and she said that it could be a number of things and until we did the testing, she really couldn't say.  I left the appointment feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders until I woke up the next morning realizing that I really had not received any answers.

Hopefully, everything works itself out.

Breathe and Listen

Whole 30 (Day 13, 14, and 15)

The clouds have officially lifted...

I'm not sure what kind of space I was in the past 4 days, but I don't want to go there anymore.  I was consumed by this dark cloud and to say I was irritable would be an  understatement.  Not only was I just downright mean, but I was also very sad.  The question is, what made me feel this way?

It did not dawn on me that my body could be going through some type of detox because of the Whole 30.  I generally eat well, so the idea that somehow eliminating honey from my diet would send me into a depression never crossed my mind.  I believe that I was going through withdrawals and I am seriously thinking about what I am going to do when the Whole 30 is complete.  If honey is affecting my moods to that degree, then I may have a bit of a problem.  I also must admit that I have not been taking my Vitamin D like I should, which may have contributed to everything as well. 

I will not discuss what I have eaten for the past 3 days because I only remember what I ate today (thyroid brain).  I am happy to write that I have not cheated, which is awesome considering the state of mind I was in the past few days. So, today I ate a banana for breakfast.  I ate mango slices, nuts, dates, and 2 large glasses of water for a snack, which turned into my lunch because I absolutely had no more room left in my stomach to eat.  For dinner, I had lamb, cabbage, and sweet potato.  I am so much more satisfied on this diet than I thought I would be. I guess I'm over the hump and also at the halfway mark.

Woo Hoo!!!!

Breathe and Listen

There are Idiots Among Us!

My family and I moved to California from North Carolina about 2 months ago.  Of course, when one moves he or she has to find new doctors and that is what I attempted to do today.  Unfortunately, the doctor I met today was an idiot.

She was a very nice lady.  I actually commented on how lovely her engagement ring was; however, after hearing her talk for about 20 minutes, I wondered who the lost soul was that planned to marry such an idiot. I won't even go through the trouble of giving her an initial, she will always be referred to as "The Idiot".

At the appointment, we went through the regular small talk about why I was there and what it was that I needed.  I told her that I needed a few referrals with one being to see an Endocrinologist.  First, let me point out that I'm not very fond of Endocrinologist either, but I've been up and down in weight, my menses (sorry guys) are off, and I really feel hyper sometimes because my heart sometimes races. I'm quite afraid of going to the Endocrinologist because I don't want some smarty pants to take me off my T3, but I also hope to meet someone who will agree to give me a prescription for natural dissected thyroid medication. Okay, back to The Idiot.  She looks at me and says, "you don't need an Endocrinologist to monitor your thyroid. We can do that here.  It's really quite simple.  We just check your levels from time to time and adjust your medication". I think it was the word simple that pissed me off because this has been nothing but simple.  I say to her, "I don't have a thyroid".  She then lights up like a Christmas Tree and tells me that, "that's even better. It's easier to monitor you when you don't have a thyroid. You just have to call us if you think it's growing back".  At that point, I sternly told her that I wanted the referral to an Endocrinologist and when she looked as if she was going to protest, I told her that I was more comfortable with a specialist.  I shut down after that and I could tell she felt that I was done with her and truthfully I was.  I know that I will never see The Idiot again.

There are 2 things that stood out to me.  First, she never asked why I had my thyroid removed, yet she thinks it is easy to manage. Secondly, I asked The Idiot for clarity on a problem I have been having with my lymph and neutrophil blood work and The Idiot says to me that the numbers suggest cancer or leukemia right in front of my children.  I could have slapped her, but one must never be mean to Idiots because they know not what they do.  It just makes me frightened for all those who just sit back and listen to idiots like her and never find relief from this whole thyroid crap.

By the way, I go to see the Hematologist on Wednesday.  I have been really stressed about this appointment, but I also feel like I am about to get some answers. Until next time...

Breathe and Listen

Whole 30 (Day 11 and 12)

I've been having a few rough days.  The diet is fine, but I am a stimulant junkie.  I need sugar.  I use to run everyday.  I use to workout almost 4 days a week.  I use to be extremely active.  I did those things because I loved the release of endorphins.  I can't do those things anymore.  The lack of a thyroid greatly impacts what I use my energy for and I have osteoarthritis, a bone spur, and labral tear in my right hip so it is pretty painful to do the workouts I use to. I have just taken to practicing yoga, but it doesn't give you the same high as a good long run, so I think I've been using SUGAR as my stimulant.  I'm not a coffee drinker either, but this diet is showing me that my body and brain are addicted to sweets.  Because I consider myself paleoish/primal, I haven't had full fledged sugar in almost 2 years now, but I would typically go through 2lbs of honey and maple syrup in a month.  I now know by how my body is responding to this diet that I am overdoing it.  My body is not happy nor is my mind with eliminating the stimulant I have been using.

Depression stopped by for a visit and then angry popped in too.  I imagine this is how a junkie must feel when trying to kick their drug habit, but I guess a bit more extreme.  Now, for what I ate. 

Day 11:

Breakfast - 3 eggs, avocado and tomato
Lunch - Cabbage tacos (took a picture, but it doesn't look all that appetizing)
Dinner - Lamb with broccoli and cauliflower

Day 12:

Breakfast - paleo cereal with bananas and strawberries
Lunch - Cabbage and lamb
Dinner - Oops, I don't think I ate dinner

Of course I can't walk around all depressed and angry because I want a spoonful of honey, so I added a new snack into my rotation called dates.  Now, dates are super sweet, but I can't overeat them.  They are just that sweet and that filing, but they are getting me over my hump.  I also realized that I haven't been keeping up with my Vitamin D and I think that may have something to do with my mood.  No pictures today, but I'm going to be out and about celebrating my son's birthday this weekend, so I more than likely will have some yummy food to photograph. 

I feel like I'm almost all the way hypo again, so wish me luck this weekend guys.  I'm trying to keep my head above water.

Breathe and Listen