Celebrating a year post thyroidectomy and the end of my Whole 30

Today is my official anniversary of having my thyroid removed.  I thought I would have some type of emotion attached to this day, but I don't.  I think it probably took a little less than a year to process that my life would be different.  In the beginning, I was angry.  I was so upset that I did not have cancer.  I know that sounds crazy, but I felt a bit robbed.  The whole reason I did the surgery was because of the cancer risk and not to have it, did not make sense to me.  I essentially had a surgery that was unnecessary.  Once I was able to get pass the anger, I think I entered a stage of fear.  I was afraid of missing my medication.  I mean, I would be in full panic mode.  Those 2 little pills that I take every morning are what keep me alive and I don't think most people like me think about it often, but it is a fear of mine.  It is a quiet fear now, but it was quite loud a few months after surgery.  The months leading up to this anniversary were a mix of emotions that I hold quite close to me; however, I don't mind writing about them at the moment.  I struggle with depression that is tied to toxic people. I was beginning to get caught up in it all and decided to talk to a therapist.  The therapist is one of the people that I can credit to getting me on the road to healing both in the mind and body.  I only had 4 sessions, but I cried about my health issues and I didn't feel guilty about it.  I had taken this strong stance that I wasn't going to cry about this thyroid stuff because other people have so many issues that are much more serious than mine, but I was hurting myself by keeping it inside.  I finally released all those feelings and have felt much better ever since.  I also let someone (my father) very close to me go too and it has been hard to deal with, but the relationship was toxic.  I hate that the therapist was right about the relationship we had and sometimes I can't believe how much more at peace I am without him in my life.  It is unnatural in some ways to no longer communicate with someone who had a part in you coming to be, but when that person genuinely does not care about you and aims to tear you down, it is imperative that the relationship discontinue until one can heal.

I remind and read this quote quite often:

"If we want to reconcile with our family or with friends who have hurt us, we have to take care of ourselves first. If we're not capable of listening to ourselves, how can we listen to another person? If we don't know how to recognize our own suffering, it won't be possible to bring peace and harmony into our relationships" - Thich Nhat Hanh

My healing is both inside and out.  I have learned that one does not happen without the other.  If stress continues to be a factor, then so will sickness in my body.  If I continue to distract myself from past hurts, then my present will constantly involve trips to the doctor.  It is just that simple for me and I am learning to balance it all out.  

In other news, I have finished MY Whole 30.  I did not do a whole 30 days, but I thought I would end it today considering this was my anniversary and all. It was rough for me, but towards the end everything balanced out.  I lost 2lbs, which isn't much to me, but it was never about the weight anyway.  I celebrated today with some primal zucchini brownies and they were delicious, but too sweet.  I did not overindulge either, which I credit to my Whole 30 (26).  That's all for now.

Breathe and Listen

A Conversation with Depression

The clouds have come in...

An old friend has been lurking outside of my house for a few days now.  I saw him peaking through the windows on Monday and I ran to close the blinds.  I made a point of leaving my house with the hope that I could somehow trick him into leaving, but when I pulled out of my driveway, I saw him sitting at my front door step, as if saying that he would be there when I got back.  Tuesday, I saw him again.  He was knocking on my front door, a slow knock, not demanding, but a knock all the same.  I rushed to play with my children.  I ignored him.  Wednesday, he had somehow made it inside of my house and he simply just sat on my couch as if he were waiting for me to join him. I sat with him for a moment and eased in how familiar it was to hold hands with an old friend and enemy.  I got up when I noticed he was holding my hand too tight and ran to the bookstore.  Surely there was something I could find at the bookstore that would help me get this dude out of my life for good.  I bought a book, watched my children play, went to the store and hoped that he would be gone by the time I made it home.  When I got home, he met me at the door and I ran to the phone to ignore this fool, hoping a friend would distract his impending presence in my life.  I kept him at a distance and when night came, he sat across me, but refused to leave.  When I got up on Thursday, he was in bed with me and I had given up chase.  I allowed him to hold my hand and even get on my back briefly.  My old friend was back in full force...

Me: Mr. Depression, why have you come back?

Depression:  You asked for me, didn't you?

Me:  I have never asked for you.  I have never wanted you as a friend.  You aren't even a friend I can depend on because you aren't a constant.  You keep showing up and then leaving.

He was silent after that exchange, but still there.  By Friday, I had enough and alone in my shower I finally had a conversation that was long over due with my friend.

Me:  Why are you here?  I was doing so well.

Depression:  You asked for me, didn't you?

Me:  NO!  Leave.  PLEASE.

Depression:  Oh, but you want me here.  You need to go numb for a while.  You aren't doing to well with all these emotions.  I've always come to help you when reality gets too rough.  You should really stop this whole healing thing.  It's not good for you. 

Me:  But, I need to heal.  I've had a few rough things in my life that I need to overcome. 

Depression:  Oh yes, your childhood, the thyroid, and now you're sick again.  You need me here.  Oh, and you must stop this yoga thing as soon as possible.  Please stop reading that book too.  I'm here now.  You no longer have to feel.

Me:  I want to feel.

Depression:  Oh, really?  Why haven't you had a good cry in years?  Wouldn't that change what everyone LOVES about you?  You're so stoic and so strong.  You're reserved and funny.  You tell jokes.  You give good advice.  How on Earth are you going to do that if you are feeling all the emotions you continue to stuff down inside of you?  Oh my, how would you wear your smile?

Me:  I understand that I have used you in the past to hide.  We get along because when you are here I feel numb and can function, but I want to live in every moment now.  I want to feel.

Depression:  You still haven't cried.  You still hold back.  You need me.  You really don't want me to leave.  Now, clean yourself up.  Put on your happy face and go to this play date with your children.  All the moms will love you.  You're so charismatic.  You're so funny.  Wait, maybe you shouldn't go.  Let's get reacquainted for a few days and then you can go knock their socks off.

Me:  I can cry.  I can feel.

Depression:  Oh, but you can't.  You poor thing. You need me.

Me:  (Sobbing)  LEAVE! You are no longer needed!  I will heal without you.  I am allowing myself not to be perfect.  LEAVE NOW!

Depression:  That Zen Master shit has really got you going.  You think a little breathing and listening is going to help you.  You haven't got a clue how hard it is to find your center, especially for someone like you, but, I will leave...for now. 

As I pull out of my driveway to go to a play date with my children, I don't see my old friend.  I feel as if I have won, but cry the whole way to the play date.  As I get out of the car, I see him and I walk right pass him.  I know I am not the same person while talking to these women.  I am more interested in seeing my children play.  I am less comfortable with conversation and more comfortable in watching my son make a friend.  My heart smiles.  I am the quiet weirdo, but for once I live in the moment.  Every step is intentional.  Every laugh and smile felt genuinely.  Driving home, I remember every light and turn.  I can feel that I am coming back to being conscious.  I don't want to live on auto-pilot any more.  He, my old friend (Depression) is waiting for me at the door.

Me:  Goodbye

Depression:  I'll be here when you need me, but I'm not leaving just yet.  I won't come in, but I will be close.  Good luck my dear because you're going to need it.

Whole 30 (Day 9 and 10)

The days are starting to get really crappy.  Day 9 sucked worse than day 8.  I kept spiking.  I woke up feeling great and then 2 hours later, I felt horrible.  I literally felt like a wall of fatigue just hit me.  I ate breakfast, which was 3 boiled eggs, avocado and tomato.  I eat that breakfast every morning and took my medication the way I normally do, but for some reason I was off for the remainder of the day.  I started playing with my children and the next thing I knew they were yelling, "wake up mommy".  I was really that tired.  I told them we needed to have a movie day because mommy just wasn't feeling well, so we sat down on the couch, snuggled up and 2 hours later I felt great again.  When the fatigue wore off, I picked myself up and went to the library, bookstore, and Trader Joes. By the time I got home, I felt like crap again.  I don't know what is going on, but I know I do not like it.  I suspect that I am having some adrenal issues, but I've got other things to deal with at the moment and that will have to wait.  Anyway, I picked up some ground beef from the store to make myself some tacos (with a cabbage shell of course) and just so happened to turn the package around and saw this:

I have been trying to figure out how ground beef is the product of three different countries and I was so alarmed by this label that I just didn't eat it.  It is still in my refrigerator.  I don't know how I feel about knowingly eating a cow with a passport. I typically go to the halal market/butcher for meat.  I prefer looking into the eyes of a butcher or a farmer, but I needed something quick and the picture above is what I got.  The rest of the day was uneventful.  My dinner was scrumptious. I had chard, curry chicken, broccoli and cauliflower.  

Day 10 was worse than day 9.  My energy has yet to pick up and I feel like I'm spiraling down.  I have moments when my energy picks up, but more than the fatigue, my attitude sucks. I'm just so short tempered.  I feel like I need some cookies in my life.  I know at this point that I really have a problem with sugar.  Oh, which brings me to some Whole 30 failures:

Contains sugar

Contains sugar

Not sure about this, contains defatted soy

I had to invest in another seasoning because all of the ones I usually use were not Whole 30 approved.  I ended up buying a new one from Trader Joes and I like it.

No sugar!

My meals were pretty much the same as on Day 8 for day 9 and 10. I am hoping that things start to turn around in how I am feeling.  I called the doctor today because I realize that I need to be seen.  I also have a hematology appointment next week that I will probably write about soon.  Until next time...

Breathe and Listen

Update (11 months post TT)

Please forgive me for my absence.  I truly appreciate all those that sent me messages inquiring about my health and well-being.  It is funny how the anonymity of online correspondence can be quite comforting when dealing with an illness.  It is as if the closest people to you can't grasp the full gravity of what is happening to you because he or she sees you everyday and either can't or refuses to acknowledge your reality.  But, in an online environment, my words are my truths and I am accepted and cared for. I am forever grateful for the thoughts that were sent my way.

Now, for the update:

I had a horrible time during the initial months after surgery.  There were a number of things that I didn't expect to happen.  First,  I didn't expect the anger I felt about having an unnecessary surgery.  I realize that the doctors were doing what they thought was best, but there must be another way.  Second, all of the issues that come along with being Hypo hit me like a dump truck.  I started to gain weight, the depression sat on me constantly, my ability to have conversations and concentrate disappeared.  I thought I would begin to take steps forwards after surgery, but instead I found myself taking steps backwards.  I was once again, ill. I had to take the semester off from school, which really put me down in the dumps.  That was one of the things that I held onto that made me feel as though I was beating this thing.  I had to acknowledge that I was different and though being humbled builds incredible character, I just didn't want to be humbled yet again with limitations.  Another thing came about, which made me stop blogging.  I had become the thyroid girl.  I would bring it up in all my conversations.  I carried it with me wherever I went.  I was consumed with all things thyroid.  I was becoming an extremist.  Disclaimer:  I think we all should be extremist when it comes to our health, but in all things, there must be a balance.  I needed to take a break and find me again, so I did and the journey has been painful and refreshing. 

Enough of that, here is how I got better (not quite back to me, but close).  

1.  I got off of the Levothyroxine and switched to Synthroid.  I also added Cytomel. (Synthroid 100MCG, Cytomel 50MCG) - I really feel like I need to try an Armour or Naturethroid.  I'll keep you posted.

2.  I revamped my diet again.  I do still eat a paleo diet the majority of the time and will be starting a Whole 30 at the beginning of July.  I plan to blog about it. 

3.  I got to sleep.  There is no need for an explanation.  It is a process and it doesn't always happen, but I consciously make an effort to sleep at least 6 hours.  

5.  I have just added yoga and learning to listen to my body.  For years, I thought it was a bunch of nonsense, but I can't do what I use to do.  I live off of manufactured energy provided by the 2 pills I take every day.  I need to aid my body with meditation and breathing.  I need to be mindful in all that I surround myself around - I'm about to go on a tangent, but I am learning to listen and breathe, which is awesome for someone like myself.

That's it!  

Someone sent me a message asking me if I felt that the TT (total thyroidectomy) was the right choice and I couldn't answer the question in a straight manner, but now that I think about it I would have to say that it isn't and wasn't the best choice for me.  You see, I NEVER had bad labs, except for the Hashimoto's antibodies of course.  Yes, I had a nodule that was suspicious and they couldn't get a definite answer, but now, especially with the way the world is going, I often think about what happens when I can't get my medication.  I think about all that my body is missing.  Every cell in your body uses the thyroid hormone and I depend on synthetic medication to do something that it really can never do fully.  Of course, if one has cancer the answer is quite simple and that is to remove the thyroid, but in the numerous cases of individuals like myself we are constantly told that medication will make us whole again and that is simply not true.  

Bye for now.  Below is a picture of how my neck looks now. You can barely see the scar.

Step 3: Surgery

The thyroid cloud has rolled in and has settled on my brain.  It feels like I'm swimming in cloudy, gray water desperately trying to find my way to the top to get some fresh air and escape.  I find it amusing...right now.  I guess this is what happens after having ones thyroid removed less than a week ago.

The surgery was a success.  I no longer have a thyroid, but thankfully, I still feel like me.

We (my husband and I) arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.  I was in surgery by 7 a.m. and out by 10:30 a.m. The drugs they gave me before taking me up to the operating room were AWESOME!  I don't remember much from the time the lady put them in, though I know I was conscious during that time.  Heaven only knows what I said.  My last memory was of my husband walking away from me and telling the nurse that he didn't like to say goodbye because it seemed like we weren't going to see each other again.  I remembered thinking that he should have told me that because I thought he was just being an insensitive ass. A few seconds later, he returned and kissed me on the forehead and said he loved me and again walked away.  That's all I remember.  The next conscious thought I have is of waking up in recovery.

Recovery, to me, was a glimpse into hell.  There are people moaning and you can't see them, but you can hear them.  You really don't know what's going on because you're high, so it's kind of real but not. The lady next to me kept screaming, "it's burning, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP".  I was beginning to think I had really messed up, but then I fell back asleep and awoke more aware of my surroundings.  The lady was still screaming, but I was fully aware of where I was and what was going on. The doctor came and told me that they took the thyroid out and pathology should come back in 5 days.  I gave him a high five.  Yes, I gave him a high five.  I was high, what do you expect?

They took me to my room and that's when the pain and my bladder hit me. I was very, very sore and I had to pee like my life depended on it.  The soreness is intensified because it's in such an awkward place.  I tried to lift my head and boy, did it hurt.  The nurse told me to relax, but all I could think of was making it to the toilet. She (the nurse) reminded me of my grandmother, which alarmed me. I told her I need to go and it took about 2 minutes to unhook all of the devices so I could actually make it.  Thankfully, I made it, but my whole body wasn't in compliance to being upright and I barfed.  It hurt so bad and it continued to happen on and off for the rest of the day.

The rest of my stay in the hospital was uneventful.  The nurse, like my grandmother, just didn't seem comfortable leaving me alone to just sleep.  She would come in and remind me to get up and walk, use the breathing machine, and not get depressed.  Who does that? My calcium dipped to a very low level and almost delayed my release, but it came back up and it was expected considering the surgery happened so close to the parathyroid gland.  I came home the day after surgery and felt fine.  I had no brain fog.  I was just sore.  Today, is day 4 post surgery and I definitely feel like those early thyroid days.

We got the pathology report back and it's not Cancer.  The funny thing is that when I heard the doctor say it, I was angry.  I know it's stupid, but I never wanted to have this surgery. I felt like I had taken my thyroid out for no reason.  I felt stupid. I had a pity party for all of 20 minutes. My husband had to remind me that most people don't cry when they hear they don't have cancer.  That put things into perspective.

I went to the Endo yesterday after hearing the results and got my levels checked and he upped my dosage to 75 mcg of Synthroid.  I'm no longer on Levothyroxine.  He told me that it (Levothyroxine) was not good for me after a thyroidectomy and from this point on I should be on Synthroid.  That made me feel good because a friend told me that earlier. He also said that my dosage would slowly be increased because it was dangerous to shoot me up without monitoring my blood.  Funny thing is that my insurance won't pay for Synthroid, so we have to pay $30 a month for me to be sane.  I'm not complaining because I know others pay more for things they need, but I think it's completely nonsense.

That's it.  Now the journey to wellness continues.  Also, if any of you have seen my appetite, please tell it to come back.  I'm withering away over here and I hate forcing myself to eat.

Step 2: Go to the Pre-Op Interview

I woke up this morning with nothing on my mind, but breakfast.  I wanted to try out this new recipe and not think about my 11:15 appointment at the hospital.  The breakfast was terrible.

As we drove to the hospital, I began to cry.  My husband grabbed my hand and asked me what was wrong. I told him I really didn't want to do any of it.  I composed myself and started discussing our plans for vacation.  We plan to go away on holiday in December.  It is something I long for.  I cannot wait to be away.

We checked in at the desk.  I was given a form to fill out about previous surgeries, illnesses, and current medications.  On paper, I'm pretty healthy except the thyroid box and the previous surgeries box.  I have had a lumpectomy, appendectomy, 2 C-sections and a DNC.  I guess that's good for a 33 year old. 40 minutes later I was called into a room with a very nice lady.  She went over my form and said, "you're very healthy, you should be fine with surgery".  I understand that she must see the worse of the worse, but it is an insult to be told that you are healthy when you have thyroid disease.  I wanted to tell her that she was wrong.  I wanted to tell her that I was ill.  I wanted to tell her that healthy didn't involve having a surgeon cutting your throat to get out something that was causing you so many problems.  Instead of verbally assaulting this woman, I decided to smile.  She took my vitals and gave me a blue bottle. She instructed me to shower with its contents the night before surgery and the morning of.  I was then told that I needed to be at the hospital at 5 a.m. and my surgery would begin at 7:30 in the morning.  She then told me that the anesthesiologist would come in next and after he spoke with me, I was free to leave.

The anesthesiologist seemed pretty indifferent.  He, like the lady, informed me that I was healthy and I should do fine in surgery.  We went over my previous surgeries, my medication, and then he asked me to open my mouth wide.  A little known fact about me is that I have TMJ.  My jaw locks when I open it too wide and he made a note to be gentle when putting the tube down my throat.  He informed me that they will give me a solution to relax when I arrive and then another when we get in the operating room to put me to sleep.  That was it from him and I was free to enjoy the rest of my day.

The surgery should last a total of 1 to 2 hours if everything goes according to plan.  I should be in recovery for the same amount of time.  However, I believe the recovery will be much longer.  I think it is going to take some time for me to figure out how to get back to me after having my thyroid removed. I'm not looking forward to it either.

Step 1: Speaking to the Surgeon

I went to the surgeon yesterday.  I woke emotional that morning.  It was my first official day of being home from my trip to California. Things didn't seem to be falling in place.  My kids didn't seem to want to wake up.  My husband was in the field. How could I remove them from their beds after such a long trip. I wanted to cancel the appointment.  I wanted this situation to just stop.

I finally made it to my appointment.  I was nervous.  I don't get nervous, but I was shaken up. I still don't get where all these emotions are coming from.  Anyway, I notice that I am the only one in the office alone.  I hate the Army sometimes.  The Army always seems to get in the way of the most important moments when I absolutely need my husband by my side.

Dr. S (the surgeon) is his name.  He has kind eyes and soft hands.  He is freakishly tall and completely bald.  He doesn't smile as he holds my gaze. I instantly want to cry.  I get in my head and tell myself to hold it together.  How dare I pick this time to start feeling sorry for myself.

Dr. S begins to explain the surgery.  He makes a comment about it being a good thing I was thin because he will be able to get to my thyroid and see what he's working with.  He explains that my thyroid is close to my parathyroid, which helps with calcium and that sometimes it is inside of the thyroid, so we have to be careful. He then tells me the nerves for my voice box are also in the area and I begin to cry.  He and his kind eyes look at me. He touches my shoulder, goes out of the room and comes back with a box of tissues.  He looks as if he is going to cry and then I feel bad because he is one of those men who can't stand to see a woman cry.  He suggest that he just draw a diagram of the whole thing, but I stop him and tell him that I want him to go into detail. I want him to tell me everything.

He places my thick folder behind him on the counter and says to me, "Do you know why you're here".  I want to start crying again, but this time I hold it together. He goes on to say, "You've got this nodule on the right side of your thyroid.  The pathologist cannot say for sure if it's benign because he needs more tissue. You need this surgery to rule out cancer.  It is scary. You have a right to be upset.  We are worried (me and your Endocrinologist) about follicular cancer.  The pathologist will be in the room and test the nodule because it takes 3-5 days to get a report on the part of the thyroid we will be removing and if cancer is present we will have to remove the whole thyroid"

Me:  Why don't we just remove the whole thyroid anyway.

Dr. S:  Well, I'm pretty sure that this issue is what has been making you sick.  If we take out the whole thing then you may have to go on a pill for the rest of your life.

Me:  I'm already on that pill for the rest of my life.

Dr. S:  Why? (looking in my folder again)

Me:  I have Hashimoto's.  Is it an insurance issue as to why you can't remove the whole thing?  I would like to break up with my thyroid please.  Can you make that happen?

Dr. S: (laughs) Were you in the Military?

Me:  Yes, how can you tell?

Dr. S:  I can tell and it's a good thing.  (He sighs) We can't remove the whole thyroid because of Hashimoto's, but your doctor and I will discuss it.  Do you work?

Me:  No, I'm a stay at-home mom.  I have two small children and my husband is in the field.

Dr. S:  When can you do the surgery?

Me:  ASAP.

The surgery is scheduled for the 27th of July.  I'm scared out of my mind.  I've had a few surgeries in my life and this one has me shaken to my core.