Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Change the title to the Blog

I was speaking to my cousin about this blog and how much it has helped me through some tough times and how I thought it may be time to shut it down.  She didn't agree that I shut it down because it has been therapeutic for me.  I have let some of my darkest secrets (depression) and most personal (my marriage) parts of my life come through on this blog, so I've decided to keep it.

Although, it will probably be less about my thyroid and more about "me".  I am currently on this journey to getting to a place of peace, which could be described as getting back to who one really is at his or her core.  The thyroid issue made me slow down and it also made me really take a hard look at my life.  The thyroidectomy was one of the scariest things I have done.  I remembered being so frightened of so many different things and truthfully, I am still afraid of a few things, but I was a jumble of thoughts and emotions that I could not process.  It was more than my thyroid or thyroid brain.  It was that I had to sit still and think about every and anything I had been through and how I was slowly turning into the people I had been so desperate to get away from and be different from.

Shortly, after my thyroidectomy I went to see a therapist with the hope that I could sort some things out from being deployed to Iraq, but it quickly turned into something else and he could see that I was genuinely hurting inside. I was breaking out in hives and having these mini panic attacks because I just didn't want to feel and something happened on that operating table that took away my ability to go numb.  I hear the thyroid has something to do with how you process stress and your memories, but it seems like my thyroid must have been tuckered out from me pushing everything I had been through deep down inside of me. Since I can remember, I've always been running (literally) either for exercise or moving in this military life and not living.  One expects that to change when you have children, but that spark of life you get from your children fades after some time if you've never taken the opportunity to process the shit that's messed up about you.  Anyway, so I go see this therapist and he got me to say that I didn't want to feel.  It was like I was admitting that I was an alcoholic.  I was embarrassed that I just didn't want to deal with life in the moment.  I just wanted to go through the motions and he informed me that I wasn't living and truthfully, when you go numb, you're nothing but a robot.

So...I'm on this journey.  Along this road, I've dropped a few toxic relationships and learned to cry, laugh, and trust again.  My relationship with my husband has evolved into something I dreamed about, but was to scared to work towards.  I laugh at and with my kids more.  I let them be, because they are children. My relationship with my parents is either nonexistent or strained.  I'm working to make that better, but first I must heal.  I've been attempting to read Thich Nhat Hanh's book about healing the inner child because my actions, my truths, and my example affect my children.  I would like the pain to stop with me.

Anywho, I know this is supposed to be about the thyroid stuff and I understand if no one reads this blog again, but this is my journey to getting back to me.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Hematology Appointment

YES!!! YES!!!

I finally went to an appointment and left with good news.  I'm over the moon with happiness.  I could have got up out of my chair to hug the lady when she told me ALL my blood work came back normal. The only thing that came back abnormal was my neutrophils and my lymphs, which was the reason why I was there to see her in the first place.  The doctor seems to think that the results I have are probably my "normal".  Normal is so subjective anyway, so I'll take this bit of good news and run with it.  I still get to see her every 6 months and I have to get my blood drawn every 3 months, but I don't have to get a bone marrow biopsy and I can stop worrying about something horrible happening with my blood.

This is going to be a very short post, but I must write that the best thing about today's appointment was my son.  After the doctor went over my labs and basically told me I was free to go, she walked over to my son and asked for a high five.  My son looked up from his iPad and looked at me and said, "mommy, are you all better now?".  I could have melted right there on the floor because he seemed genuinely concerned.  When I told him that I was okay, then he gave the doctor a high five.  Isn't that the cutest thing ever?

That's it!  I'm out of the woods and now I just have to see what is going on with my legs.  I'm contemplating shutting down this blog.  I mean, I technically don't have Hashimotos anymore. I'm no longer fighting with Endocrinologist and currently my goal is less about health in the medical sense and more about healing my spirit and finding real peace.  I'm also on this journey to be more conscious and live in the moment.

Anywho, maybe I'll write about that journey because it does involve getting to a better me. I'll see...

Breathe and Listen

Sunday, August 18, 2013

All I wanted was a prescription

I was having a bit of trouble getting a refill on my T3 medication the last time I blogged.  Well, I got it filled that very next day at the doctor's office, but I had to lie.  My mother use to tell me that a lie only leads to another one or even worse.  As usual, the lessons of my mother somehow seem to always be right and my simple trip to the doctor ended up being so much more.

Technically, I didn't lie.  I woke up that morning thinking that they had to have same-day sick appointments and figured I would call and say that I was feeling "sick".  I didn't say sick.  I said that I felt fatigued, which is true.  I ALWAYS feel fatigued, so technically I didn't lie.  The doctor's office was able to get me in and I proceeded to go to the doctor with my 2 children in tow.  I knew it would be a disaster and since I've been doing this whole "being conscious" thing, their (my children's) behavior has started to become more amusing/understandable than embarrassing or upsetting.  I didn't care that they would more than likely be loud and attempting to touch everything.  My goal was to get my drugs.

I succeeded in getting my T3 refill and I also learned that the idiot I had seen previously was no longer working at the practice.  SCORE!  I failed at keeping the appointment focused solely on my medication, which led to me being pricked on the finger to check my blood levels, an appointment for an MRI on my back, a referral to the OB/GYN, a referral to see a therapist, and a suggestion to lose weight. WOW!  I didn't want all of that to happen.  I just wanted to get my script for the T3.

Truthfully, all of the things mentioned are quite necessary for me to have except that losing weight thing.  I never even considered that my back may have something to do with the pain I am constantly in.  The doctor asked me to walk on my heels and I couldn't do it without almost falling down, which she said may be back related as opposed to hip related. My blood levels should always be checked and thankfully everything was fine.  I am not anemic. I need to see the OB/GYN and the insurance company won't let me do it without a referral.  The therapist referral was recommended because she (the doctor) found it odd that I haven't been sleeping (which I kind of lied about), but I had been seeing one in North Carolina that helped me tremendously and it does not hurt to see another one.  Now, the whole weight thing I take issue with because I am not overweight.  She even said that I was not overweight, but mentioned that I could stand to lose 5-10 pounds to help out with the pressure on my hips.  I'm not worrying about that.  I'm not going to even consider it.  I will consider bringing SOME exercise back into my life because she reminded me that even though the orthopedic doctor recommended I stay off my legs, I should still try to exercise because not using my hips also leads to them not working effectively.  Unfortunately, she also reminded me that the likelihood that I will need a hip replacement by the age of 40 is still high.

My goal now is to stay as far away from the doctor's office as I can.  I can't go into the doctor's office without them finding something wrong and I simply don't have the time for all of that.  I go to see the Hematologist on Wednesday and I'm hoping that she found something wrong because I do not want to have the bone marrow biopsy.

My husband came home for all of 32 hours and that recharged me a bit, but I am so deep in love with this man that I am freakishly sad and happy at the same time.  In our 10 years together, I have never once cried in front of him when he needed to go away for the military.  Today, I cried and held on longer...tightly. When he packed, I sat down in front of his suitcase and hung on his every word. I watched him with our children.  I backed off a bit and let him be their father and he thoroughly enjoyed his children. I didn't busy myself or focus on him leaving.  I allowed myself to enjoy the moments while he was here and to feel the aloneness when he walked away. I know this isn't thyroid related, but it is amazing to be living in the moment.  It's like a sweet piece of fruit or seeing the most amazing wonder in nature for the first time.

I am thankful.

Breathe and Listen

Thursday, August 8, 2013

A recipe with a side of venting

I took a break from the blog or rather the blog took a break from me.  I've been so consumed with being a single mom lately that I haven't had much time for anything else.  My husband is away training (we haven't broken up or anything) and in a 3 month period, I think I may get the chance to see him for a full 24 hours.  It really does suck being an Army wife sometimes.  I do enjoy eating and his job is what puts food on the table, so I have to deal with it.  The last time I blogged, I mentioned that I baked some zucchini brownies and one of my favorite bloggers asked for the recipe in the comments.  I really encourage anyone who needs an extra dose of pick me up or some really cool things to do with quinoa to check out Zen Thyroid. When I started this journey, I was much different and I read a blog of her's called acceptance and it nearly had me sobbing.  At that time I was fighting for my old life.  I was literally fighting to keep every and anything that resembled what life was like before thyroid disease and I was killing myself on so many different levels. I realized after reading her blog post that I needed to accept what was happening to me and learn from it.  I learned that I needed to make a new way for myself and new did not mean bad, so here is the recipe for such an awesome person that picked me up without even knowing it:

Zucchini Brownies from Delighted Momma
1 cup almond butter
1 1/2 cup grated zucchini
1/3 cup raw honey
1 egg
1tsp vanilla
1tsp baking soda
1tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 cup (enjoy life) chocolate chips

I did not make that recipe up.  It comes directly from the Delighted Momma site and if you are starting to go gluten free or have been for a while, I strongly suggest you check out this site.

I have so much going on right now with the major issue being that I am running out of T3 medication and no one wants to refill it.  I have this immense amount of anxiety that I won't get the medication in time and have to suffer through thyroid hell all by myself with 2 children.  I really don't want to do that, so I think I may have to go to the emergency room tomorrow on post and ask them to give me some to hold me over until I can see the doctor next week.  It's so frustrating. I also don't know if that is even going to work because when I switched manufacturers of Synthroid after moving to California, I had a rough time. I cannot believe that I am that sensitive.  I am still waiting to go back to the Hematologist.  I went in to get an ultrasound of my liver and spleen and it was one of the most uncomfortable exams I have had to date.  I haven't heard anything back from the Hematologist and I am going to take that as good news.

Hopefully everything is fine and I will get my T3 tomorrow.  Until then...

Breathe and Listen

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Celebrating a year post thyroidectomy and the end of my Whole 30

Today is my official anniversary of having my thyroid removed.  I thought I would have some type of emotion attached to this day, but I don't.  I think it probably took a little less than a year to process that my life would be different.  In the beginning, I was angry.  I was so upset that I did not have cancer.  I know that sounds crazy, but I felt a bit robbed.  The whole reason I did the surgery was because of the cancer risk and not to have it, did not make sense to me.  I essentially had a surgery that was unnecessary.  Once I was able to get pass the anger, I think I entered a stage of fear.  I was afraid of missing my medication.  I mean, I would be in full panic mode.  Those 2 little pills that I take every morning are what keep me alive and I don't think most people like me think about it often, but it is a fear of mine.  It is a quiet fear now, but it was quite loud a few months after surgery.  The months leading up to this anniversary were a mix of emotions that I hold quite close to me; however, I don't mind writing about them at the moment.  I struggle with depression that is tied to toxic people. I was beginning to get caught up in it all and decided to talk to a therapist.  The therapist is one of the people that I can credit to getting me on the road to healing both in the mind and body.  I only had 4 sessions, but I cried about my health issues and I didn't feel guilty about it.  I had taken this strong stance that I wasn't going to cry about this thyroid stuff because other people have so many issues that are much more serious than mine, but I was hurting myself by keeping it inside.  I finally released all those feelings and have felt much better ever since.  I also let someone (my father) very close to me go too and it has been hard to deal with, but the relationship was toxic.  I hate that the therapist was right about the relationship we had and sometimes I can't believe how much more at peace I am without him in my life.  It is unnatural in some ways to no longer communicate with someone who had a part in you coming to be, but when that person genuinely does not care about you and aims to tear you down, it is imperative that the relationship discontinue until one can heal.

I remind and read this quote quite often:

"If we want to reconcile with our family or with friends who have hurt us, we have to take care of ourselves first. If we're not capable of listening to ourselves, how can we listen to another person? If we don't know how to recognize our own suffering, it won't be possible to bring peace and harmony into our relationships" - Thich Nhat Hanh

My healing is both inside and out.  I have learned that one does not happen without the other.  If stress continues to be a factor, then so will sickness in my body.  If I continue to distract myself from past hurts, then my present will constantly involve trips to the doctor.  It is just that simple for me and I am learning to balance it all out.  

In other news, I have finished MY Whole 30.  I did not do a whole 30 days, but I thought I would end it today considering this was my anniversary and all. It was rough for me, but towards the end everything balanced out.  I lost 2lbs, which isn't much to me, but it was never about the weight anyway.  I celebrated today with some primal zucchini brownies and they were delicious, but too sweet.  I did not overindulge either, which I credit to my Whole 30 (26).  That's all for now.

Breathe and Listen

Friday, July 26, 2013

Vlog with my Cousin/Sister/Best Friend

Okay, so my cousin and I did a tag video for her youtube channel.  I think it is pretty funny and cute and I thought I would share it here on my blog.  Of course, my cousin is on your right (looking fabulous) and I am the plain looking girl on your left.  We basically just asked one another questions about...stuff.  It was a ton of fun. Just press play below:

Breathe and Listen

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Whole 30 Day 23

Okay, so I have missed a number of days blogging.  As usual, life just seemed to keep getting in the way and thankfully I have carved out a moment to sit down and type.

The last time I blogged, I was on day 15 of the Whole 30 and I was literally losing my mind up until that day.  I can only assume that my body was doing some type of detox and it was all mental.  I haven't really lost any weight, but I also have not weighed myself.  I've been coming up with some really interesting meals too and I am quite proud of myself.  I post what I eat for dinner most days, so if you want to take a look just follow me at http://instagram.com/buterflisoldier or look up my name "buterflisoldier".  Here are some of my new creations:

Lamb with cauliflower and broccoli

Chard with ground beef, tomato, and avocado 
Ground beef with chard, carrot, jalapeno, broccoli,  tomato, and avocado

Homemade guacamole, curry chicken with chard (top), curry chicken with cauliflower (bottom)

Cabbage tacos (ground beef, tomato, avocado).

I look forward to the Whole 30 ending.  I expected to have a ton of energy and feel great, but that has not happened.  My energy is considerably lower, but I also have some other health issues going on right now, so that could have a part in why I just have not been feel well.  I will say that I am not getting bloated anymore and I'm not having in trouble in the bathroom.  The Whole 30 has all my pipes working quite well.  Anywho, that all for now...

Breathe and Listen