Whole 30 Day 23

Okay, so I have missed a number of days blogging.  As usual, life just seemed to keep getting in the way and thankfully I have carved out a moment to sit down and type.

The last time I blogged, I was on day 15 of the Whole 30 and I was literally losing my mind up until that day.  I can only assume that my body was doing some type of detox and it was all mental.  I haven't really lost any weight, but I also have not weighed myself.  I've been coming up with some really interesting meals too and I am quite proud of myself.  I post what I eat for dinner most days, so if you want to take a look just follow me at http://instagram.com/buterflisoldier or look up my name "buterflisoldier".  Here are some of my new creations:

Lamb with cauliflower and broccoli

Chard with ground beef, tomato, and avocado 

Ground beef with chard, carrot, jalapeno, broccoli,  tomato, and avocado

Homemade guacamole, curry chicken with chard (top), curry chicken with cauliflower (bottom)

Cabbage tacos (ground beef, tomato, avocado).

I look forward to the Whole 30 ending.  I expected to have a ton of energy and feel great, but that has not happened.  My energy is considerably lower, but I also have some other health issues going on right now, so that could have a part in why I just have not been feel well.  I will say that I am not getting bloated anymore and I'm not having in trouble in the bathroom.  The Whole 30 has all my pipes working quite well.  Anywho, that all for now...

Breathe and Listen

Hematologist

I've been kind of hinting around on some of my recent posts about something going wrong medically.  It is not completely thyroid related, or at least I don't think so.  My blood work has been coming back odd.  My white blood count is low. My platelets and neutrophils are also low and my lymph is high.  The blood work was not alarming at first because I believe the doctors simply thought I must have been fighting some type of infection.  An alarm went off when I continued to have issues with fatigue even after I was supposedly cured of my thyroid ailments.  About 18 months ago, my doctor ordered a test to see exactly what was going on with my blood and found that I had more young red blood cells.  I don't know all the details, but she said that she thought I could have ITP and suggest I see a hematologist.  At that time, I didn't want to.  I was very worried about my thyroid situation and honestly didn't want another issue on my plate.  Now that my thyroid is removed and I still have moments of exhaustion the blood was looked at more closely and I finally agreed to see a hematologist.

I went to see the hematologist last week and the appointment went well.  I was extremely worried because my labs definitely show that there is a problem.  The doctor was quite nice and she told me that she thought there was an issue, but that it was not an emergency.  She ordered a ton of tests and I have to have an ultrasound to check if my spleen or liver are enlarged.  I go back to see her in about a month and at that time she will decide if I need to have a bone marrow biopsy.  I asked her what might be wrong with me and she said that it could be a number of things and until we did the testing, she really couldn't say.  I left the appointment feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders until I woke up the next morning realizing that I really had not received any answers.

Hopefully, everything works itself out.

Breathe and Listen

Whole 30 (Day 13, 14, and 15)

The clouds have officially lifted...

I'm not sure what kind of space I was in the past 4 days, but I don't want to go there anymore.  I was consumed by this dark cloud and to say I was irritable would be an  understatement.  Not only was I just downright mean, but I was also very sad.  The question is, what made me feel this way?

It did not dawn on me that my body could be going through some type of detox because of the Whole 30.  I generally eat well, so the idea that somehow eliminating honey from my diet would send me into a depression never crossed my mind.  I believe that I was going through withdrawals and I am seriously thinking about what I am going to do when the Whole 30 is complete.  If honey is affecting my moods to that degree, then I may have a bit of a problem.  I also must admit that I have not been taking my Vitamin D like I should, which may have contributed to everything as well. 

I will not discuss what I have eaten for the past 3 days because I only remember what I ate today (thyroid brain).  I am happy to write that I have not cheated, which is awesome considering the state of mind I was in the past few days. So, today I ate a banana for breakfast.  I ate mango slices, nuts, dates, and 2 large glasses of water for a snack, which turned into my lunch because I absolutely had no more room left in my stomach to eat.  For dinner, I had lamb, cabbage, and sweet potato.  I am so much more satisfied on this diet than I thought I would be. I guess I'm over the hump and also at the halfway mark.

Woo Hoo!!!!

Breathe and Listen

There are Idiots Among Us!

My family and I moved to California from North Carolina about 2 months ago.  Of course, when one moves he or she has to find new doctors and that is what I attempted to do today.  Unfortunately, the doctor I met today was an idiot.

She was a very nice lady.  I actually commented on how lovely her engagement ring was; however, after hearing her talk for about 20 minutes, I wondered who the lost soul was that planned to marry such an idiot. I won't even go through the trouble of giving her an initial, she will always be referred to as "The Idiot".

At the appointment, we went through the regular small talk about why I was there and what it was that I needed.  I told her that I needed a few referrals with one being to see an Endocrinologist.  First, let me point out that I'm not very fond of Endocrinologist either, but I've been up and down in weight, my menses (sorry guys) are off, and I really feel hyper sometimes because my heart sometimes races. I'm quite afraid of going to the Endocrinologist because I don't want some smarty pants to take me off my T3, but I also hope to meet someone who will agree to give me a prescription for natural dissected thyroid medication. Okay, back to The Idiot.  She looks at me and says, "you don't need an Endocrinologist to monitor your thyroid. We can do that here.  It's really quite simple.  We just check your levels from time to time and adjust your medication". I think it was the word simple that pissed me off because this has been nothing but simple.  I say to her, "I don't have a thyroid".  She then lights up like a Christmas Tree and tells me that, "that's even better. It's easier to monitor you when you don't have a thyroid. You just have to call us if you think it's growing back".  At that point, I sternly told her that I wanted the referral to an Endocrinologist and when she looked as if she was going to protest, I told her that I was more comfortable with a specialist.  I shut down after that and I could tell she felt that I was done with her and truthfully I was.  I know that I will never see The Idiot again.

There are 2 things that stood out to me.  First, she never asked why I had my thyroid removed, yet she thinks it is easy to manage. Secondly, I asked The Idiot for clarity on a problem I have been having with my lymph and neutrophil blood work and The Idiot says to me that the numbers suggest cancer or leukemia right in front of my children.  I could have slapped her, but one must never be mean to Idiots because they know not what they do.  It just makes me frightened for all those who just sit back and listen to idiots like her and never find relief from this whole thyroid crap.

By the way, I go to see the Hematologist on Wednesday.  I have been really stressed about this appointment, but I also feel like I am about to get some answers. Until next time...

Breathe and Listen

Whole 30 (Day 11 and 12)

I've been having a few rough days.  The diet is fine, but I am a stimulant junkie.  I need sugar.  I use to run everyday.  I use to workout almost 4 days a week.  I use to be extremely active.  I did those things because I loved the release of endorphins.  I can't do those things anymore.  The lack of a thyroid greatly impacts what I use my energy for and I have osteoarthritis, a bone spur, and labral tear in my right hip so it is pretty painful to do the workouts I use to. I have just taken to practicing yoga, but it doesn't give you the same high as a good long run, so I think I've been using SUGAR as my stimulant.  I'm not a coffee drinker either, but this diet is showing me that my body and brain are addicted to sweets.  Because I consider myself paleoish/primal, I haven't had full fledged sugar in almost 2 years now, but I would typically go through 2lbs of honey and maple syrup in a month.  I now know by how my body is responding to this diet that I am overdoing it.  My body is not happy nor is my mind with eliminating the stimulant I have been using.

Depression stopped by for a visit and then angry popped in too.  I imagine this is how a junkie must feel when trying to kick their drug habit, but I guess a bit more extreme.  Now, for what I ate. 

Day 11:

Breakfast - 3 eggs, avocado and tomato
Lunch - Cabbage tacos (took a picture, but it doesn't look all that appetizing)
Dinner - Lamb with broccoli and cauliflower

Day 12:

Breakfast - paleo cereal with bananas and strawberries
Lunch - Cabbage and lamb
Dinner - Oops, I don't think I ate dinner

Of course I can't walk around all depressed and angry because I want a spoonful of honey, so I added a new snack into my rotation called dates.  Now, dates are super sweet, but I can't overeat them.  They are just that sweet and that filing, but they are getting me over my hump.  I also realized that I haven't been keeping up with my Vitamin D and I think that may have something to do with my mood.  No pictures today, but I'm going to be out and about celebrating my son's birthday this weekend, so I more than likely will have some yummy food to photograph. 

I feel like I'm almost all the way hypo again, so wish me luck this weekend guys.  I'm trying to keep my head above water.

Breathe and Listen

A Conversation with Depression

The clouds have come in...

An old friend has been lurking outside of my house for a few days now.  I saw him peaking through the windows on Monday and I ran to close the blinds.  I made a point of leaving my house with the hope that I could somehow trick him into leaving, but when I pulled out of my driveway, I saw him sitting at my front door step, as if saying that he would be there when I got back.  Tuesday, I saw him again.  He was knocking on my front door, a slow knock, not demanding, but a knock all the same.  I rushed to play with my children.  I ignored him.  Wednesday, he had somehow made it inside of my house and he simply just sat on my couch as if he were waiting for me to join him. I sat with him for a moment and eased in how familiar it was to hold hands with an old friend and enemy.  I got up when I noticed he was holding my hand too tight and ran to the bookstore.  Surely there was something I could find at the bookstore that would help me get this dude out of my life for good.  I bought a book, watched my children play, went to the store and hoped that he would be gone by the time I made it home.  When I got home, he met me at the door and I ran to the phone to ignore this fool, hoping a friend would distract his impending presence in my life.  I kept him at a distance and when night came, he sat across me, but refused to leave.  When I got up on Thursday, he was in bed with me and I had given up chase.  I allowed him to hold my hand and even get on my back briefly.  My old friend was back in full force...

Me: Mr. Depression, why have you come back?

Depression:  You asked for me, didn't you?

Me:  I have never asked for you.  I have never wanted you as a friend.  You aren't even a friend I can depend on because you aren't a constant.  You keep showing up and then leaving.

He was silent after that exchange, but still there.  By Friday, I had enough and alone in my shower I finally had a conversation that was long over due with my friend.

Me:  Why are you here?  I was doing so well.

Depression:  You asked for me, didn't you?

Me:  NO!  Leave.  PLEASE.

Depression:  Oh, but you want me here.  You need to go numb for a while.  You aren't doing to well with all these emotions.  I've always come to help you when reality gets too rough.  You should really stop this whole healing thing.  It's not good for you. 

Me:  But, I need to heal.  I've had a few rough things in my life that I need to overcome. 

Depression:  Oh yes, your childhood, the thyroid, and now you're sick again.  You need me here.  Oh, and you must stop this yoga thing as soon as possible.  Please stop reading that book too.  I'm here now.  You no longer have to feel.

Me:  I want to feel.

Depression:  Oh, really?  Why haven't you had a good cry in years?  Wouldn't that change what everyone LOVES about you?  You're so stoic and so strong.  You're reserved and funny.  You tell jokes.  You give good advice.  How on Earth are you going to do that if you are feeling all the emotions you continue to stuff down inside of you?  Oh my, how would you wear your smile?

Me:  I understand that I have used you in the past to hide.  We get along because when you are here I feel numb and can function, but I want to live in every moment now.  I want to feel.

Depression:  You still haven't cried.  You still hold back.  You need me.  You really don't want me to leave.  Now, clean yourself up.  Put on your happy face and go to this play date with your children.  All the moms will love you.  You're so charismatic.  You're so funny.  Wait, maybe you shouldn't go.  Let's get reacquainted for a few days and then you can go knock their socks off.

Me:  I can cry.  I can feel.

Depression:  Oh, but you can't.  You poor thing. You need me.

Me:  (Sobbing)  LEAVE! You are no longer needed!  I will heal without you.  I am allowing myself not to be perfect.  LEAVE NOW!

Depression:  That Zen Master shit has really got you going.  You think a little breathing and listening is going to help you.  You haven't got a clue how hard it is to find your center, especially for someone like you, but, I will leave...for now. 

As I pull out of my driveway to go to a play date with my children, I don't see my old friend.  I feel as if I have won, but cry the whole way to the play date.  As I get out of the car, I see him and I walk right pass him.  I know I am not the same person while talking to these women.  I am more interested in seeing my children play.  I am less comfortable with conversation and more comfortable in watching my son make a friend.  My heart smiles.  I am the quiet weirdo, but for once I live in the moment.  Every step is intentional.  Every laugh and smile felt genuinely.  Driving home, I remember every light and turn.  I can feel that I am coming back to being conscious.  I don't want to live on auto-pilot any more.  He, my old friend (Depression) is waiting for me at the door.

Me:  Goodbye

Depression:  I'll be here when you need me, but I'm not leaving just yet.  I won't come in, but I will be close.  Good luck my dear because you're going to need it.

Whole 30 (Day 9 and 10)

The days are starting to get really crappy.  Day 9 sucked worse than day 8.  I kept spiking.  I woke up feeling great and then 2 hours later, I felt horrible.  I literally felt like a wall of fatigue just hit me.  I ate breakfast, which was 3 boiled eggs, avocado and tomato.  I eat that breakfast every morning and took my medication the way I normally do, but for some reason I was off for the remainder of the day.  I started playing with my children and the next thing I knew they were yelling, "wake up mommy".  I was really that tired.  I told them we needed to have a movie day because mommy just wasn't feeling well, so we sat down on the couch, snuggled up and 2 hours later I felt great again.  When the fatigue wore off, I picked myself up and went to the library, bookstore, and Trader Joes. By the time I got home, I felt like crap again.  I don't know what is going on, but I know I do not like it.  I suspect that I am having some adrenal issues, but I've got other things to deal with at the moment and that will have to wait.  Anyway, I picked up some ground beef from the store to make myself some tacos (with a cabbage shell of course) and just so happened to turn the package around and saw this:

I have been trying to figure out how ground beef is the product of three different countries and I was so alarmed by this label that I just didn't eat it.  It is still in my refrigerator.  I don't know how I feel about knowingly eating a cow with a passport. I typically go to the halal market/butcher for meat.  I prefer looking into the eyes of a butcher or a farmer, but I needed something quick and the picture above is what I got.  The rest of the day was uneventful.  My dinner was scrumptious. I had chard, curry chicken, broccoli and cauliflower.  

Day 10 was worse than day 9.  My energy has yet to pick up and I feel like I'm spiraling down.  I have moments when my energy picks up, but more than the fatigue, my attitude sucks. I'm just so short tempered.  I feel like I need some cookies in my life.  I know at this point that I really have a problem with sugar.  Oh, which brings me to some Whole 30 failures:

Contains sugar

Contains sugar

Not sure about this, contains defatted soy

I had to invest in another seasoning because all of the ones I usually use were not Whole 30 approved.  I ended up buying a new one from Trader Joes and I like it.

No sugar!

My meals were pretty much the same as on Day 8 for day 9 and 10. I am hoping that things start to turn around in how I am feeling.  I called the doctor today because I realize that I need to be seen.  I also have a hematology appointment next week that I will probably write about soon.  Until next time...

Breathe and Listen