Saturday, July 27, 2013

Celebrating a year post thyroidectomy and the end of my Whole 30

Today is my official anniversary of having my thyroid removed.  I thought I would have some type of emotion attached to this day, but I don't.  I think it probably took a little less than a year to process that my life would be different.  In the beginning, I was angry.  I was so upset that I did not have cancer.  I know that sounds crazy, but I felt a bit robbed.  The whole reason I did the surgery was because of the cancer risk and not to have it, did not make sense to me.  I essentially had a surgery that was unnecessary.  Once I was able to get pass the anger, I think I entered a stage of fear.  I was afraid of missing my medication.  I mean, I would be in full panic mode.  Those 2 little pills that I take every morning are what keep me alive and I don't think most people like me think about it often, but it is a fear of mine.  It is a quiet fear now, but it was quite loud a few months after surgery.  The months leading up to this anniversary were a mix of emotions that I hold quite close to me; however, I don't mind writing about them at the moment.  I struggle with depression that is tied to toxic people. I was beginning to get caught up in it all and decided to talk to a therapist.  The therapist is one of the people that I can credit to getting me on the road to healing both in the mind and body.  I only had 4 sessions, but I cried about my health issues and I didn't feel guilty about it.  I had taken this strong stance that I wasn't going to cry about this thyroid stuff because other people have so many issues that are much more serious than mine, but I was hurting myself by keeping it inside.  I finally released all those feelings and have felt much better ever since.  I also let someone (my father) very close to me go too and it has been hard to deal with, but the relationship was toxic.  I hate that the therapist was right about the relationship we had and sometimes I can't believe how much more at peace I am without him in my life.  It is unnatural in some ways to no longer communicate with someone who had a part in you coming to be, but when that person genuinely does not care about you and aims to tear you down, it is imperative that the relationship discontinue until one can heal.

I remind and read this quote quite often:

"If we want to reconcile with our family or with friends who have hurt us, we have to take care of ourselves first. If we're not capable of listening to ourselves, how can we listen to another person? If we don't know how to recognize our own suffering, it won't be possible to bring peace and harmony into our relationships" - Thich Nhat Hanh

My healing is both inside and out.  I have learned that one does not happen without the other.  If stress continues to be a factor, then so will sickness in my body.  If I continue to distract myself from past hurts, then my present will constantly involve trips to the doctor.  It is just that simple for me and I am learning to balance it all out.  

In other news, I have finished MY Whole 30.  I did not do a whole 30 days, but I thought I would end it today considering this was my anniversary and all. It was rough for me, but towards the end everything balanced out.  I lost 2lbs, which isn't much to me, but it was never about the weight anyway.  I celebrated today with some primal zucchini brownies and they were delicious, but too sweet.  I did not overindulge either, which I credit to my Whole 30 (26).  That's all for now.

Breathe and Listen

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