Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Change the title to the Blog

I was speaking to my cousin about this blog and how much it has helped me through some tough times and how I thought it may be time to shut it down.  She didn't agree that I shut it down because it has been therapeutic for me.  I have let some of my darkest secrets (depression) and most personal (my marriage) parts of my life come through on this blog, so I've decided to keep it.

Although, it will probably be less about my thyroid and more about "me".  I am currently on this journey to getting to a place of peace, which could be described as getting back to who one really is at his or her core.  The thyroid issue made me slow down and it also made me really take a hard look at my life.  The thyroidectomy was one of the scariest things I have done.  I remembered being so frightened of so many different things and truthfully, I am still afraid of a few things, but I was a jumble of thoughts and emotions that I could not process.  It was more than my thyroid or thyroid brain.  It was that I had to sit still and think about every and anything I had been through and how I was slowly turning into the people I had been so desperate to get away from and be different from.

Shortly, after my thyroidectomy I went to see a therapist with the hope that I could sort some things out from being deployed to Iraq, but it quickly turned into something else and he could see that I was genuinely hurting inside. I was breaking out in hives and having these mini panic attacks because I just didn't want to feel and something happened on that operating table that took away my ability to go numb.  I hear the thyroid has something to do with how you process stress and your memories, but it seems like my thyroid must have been tuckered out from me pushing everything I had been through deep down inside of me. Since I can remember, I've always been running (literally) either for exercise or moving in this military life and not living.  One expects that to change when you have children, but that spark of life you get from your children fades after some time if you've never taken the opportunity to process the shit that's messed up about you.  Anyway, so I go see this therapist and he got me to say that I didn't want to feel.  It was like I was admitting that I was an alcoholic.  I was embarrassed that I just didn't want to deal with life in the moment.  I just wanted to go through the motions and he informed me that I wasn't living and truthfully, when you go numb, you're nothing but a robot.

So...I'm on this journey.  Along this road, I've dropped a few toxic relationships and learned to cry, laugh, and trust again.  My relationship with my husband has evolved into something I dreamed about, but was to scared to work towards.  I laugh at and with my kids more.  I let them be, because they are children. My relationship with my parents is either nonexistent or strained.  I'm working to make that better, but first I must heal.  I've been attempting to read Thich Nhat Hanh's book about healing the inner child because my actions, my truths, and my example affect my children.  I would like the pain to stop with me.

Anywho, I know this is supposed to be about the thyroid stuff and I understand if no one reads this blog again, but this is my journey to getting back to me.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so happy you decided to keep your log. I'm just finding it and I'm literally in tears. My Hashimoto's journey is just begging and it's hell. I have all the symptoms but my test came back normal. I was told it's Hashi's but I can't get treatment unless my test reflect what I feel. So I'm just waiting to get so sick that it shows in my test. I pray everyday I'm not talked about in a past tense way smh. I've never met another African American female with it. I'm so excited lol.

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