tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9316304062785514772024-03-21T01:41:08.341-07:00My Journey to Getting Back to Me.One woman's journey to getting healthy through diet, lifestyle, and traditional western medicine. Come along with me as I discover gluten free eating, terrible doctors, and stupid ass comments about how good I look even though I "say" I feel bad.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-47725125870125434022013-08-27T23:48:00.002-07:002013-08-27T23:48:33.512-07:00Change the title to the BlogI was speaking to my cousin about this blog and how much it has helped me through some tough times and how I thought it may be time to shut it down. She didn't agree that I shut it down because it has been therapeutic for me. I have let some of my darkest secrets (depression) and most personal (my marriage) parts of my life come through on this blog, so I've decided to keep it. <br />
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Although, it will probably be less about my thyroid and more about "me". I am currently on this journey to getting to a place of peace, which could be described as getting back to who one really is at his or her core. The thyroid issue made me slow down and it also made me really take a hard look at my life. The thyroidectomy was one of the scariest things I have done. I remembered being so frightened of so many different things and truthfully, I am still afraid of a few things, but I was a jumble of thoughts and emotions that I could not process. It was more than my thyroid or thyroid brain. It was that I had to sit still and think about every and anything I had been through and how I was slowly turning into the people I had been so desperate to get away from and be different from. <br />
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Shortly, after my thyroidectomy I went to see a therapist with the hope that I could sort some things out from being deployed to Iraq, but it quickly turned into something else and he could see that I was genuinely hurting inside. I was breaking out in hives and having these mini panic attacks because I just didn't want to feel and something happened on that operating table that took away my ability to go numb. I hear the thyroid has something to do with how you process stress and your memories, but it seems like my thyroid must have been tuckered out from me pushing everything I had been through deep down inside of me. Since I can remember, I've always been running (literally) either for exercise or moving in this military life and not living. One expects that to change when you have children, but that spark of life you get from your children fades after some time if you've never taken the opportunity to process the shit that's messed up about you. Anyway, so I go see this therapist and he got me to say that I didn't want to feel. It was like I was admitting that I was an alcoholic. I was embarrassed that I just didn't want to deal with life in the moment. I just wanted to go through the motions and he informed me that I wasn't living and truthfully, when you go numb, you're nothing but a robot.<br />
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So...I'm on this journey. Along this road, I've dropped a few toxic relationships and learned to cry, laugh, and trust again. My relationship with my husband has evolved into something I dreamed about, but was to scared to work towards. I laugh at and with my kids more. I let them be, because they are children. My relationship with my parents is either nonexistent or strained. I'm working to make that better, but first I must heal. I've been attempting to read Thich Nhat Hanh's book about healing the inner child because my actions, my truths, and my example affect my children. I would like the pain to stop with me.<br />
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Anywho, I know this is supposed to be about the thyroid stuff and I understand if no one reads this blog again, but this is my journey to getting back to me.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-15187884705907050872013-08-21T21:51:00.003-07:002013-08-21T21:51:37.064-07:00Hematology AppointmentYES!!! YES!!!<br />
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I finally went to an appointment and left with good news. I'm over the moon with happiness. I could have got up out of my chair to hug the lady when she told me ALL my blood work came back normal. The only thing that came back abnormal was my neutrophils and my lymphs, which was the reason why I was there to see her in the first place. The doctor seems to think that the results I have are probably my "normal". Normal is so subjective anyway, so I'll take this bit of good news and run with it. I still get to see her every 6 months and I have to get my blood drawn every 3 months, but I don't have to get a bone marrow biopsy and I can stop worrying about something horrible happening with my blood.<br />
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This is going to be a very short post, but I must write that the best thing about today's appointment was my son. After the doctor went over my labs and basically told me I was free to go, she walked over to my son and asked for a high five. My son looked up from his iPad and looked at me and said, "mommy, are you all better now?". I could have melted right there on the floor because he seemed genuinely concerned. When I told him that I was okay, then he gave the doctor a high five. Isn't that the cutest thing ever?<br />
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That's it! I'm out of the woods and now I just have to see what is going on with my legs. I'm contemplating shutting down this blog. I mean, I technically don't have Hashimotos anymore. I'm no longer fighting with Endocrinologist and currently my goal is less about health in the medical sense and more about healing my spirit and finding real peace. I'm also on this journey to be more conscious and live in the moment. <br />
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Anywho, maybe I'll write about that journey because it does involve getting to a better me. I'll see...<br />
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-10003975918747748172013-08-18T10:03:00.001-07:002013-08-18T10:03:42.184-07:00All I wanted was a prescriptionI was having a bit of trouble getting a refill on my T3 medication the last time I blogged. Well, I got it filled that very next day at the doctor's office, but I had to lie. My mother use to tell me that a lie only leads to another one or even worse. As usual, the lessons of my mother somehow seem to always be right and my simple trip to the doctor ended up being so much more. <br />
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Technically, I didn't lie. I woke up that morning thinking that they had to have same-day sick appointments and figured I would call and say that I was feeling "sick". I didn't say sick. I said that I felt fatigued, which is true. I ALWAYS feel fatigued, so technically I didn't lie. The doctor's office was able to get me in and I proceeded to go to the doctor with my 2 children in tow. I knew it would be a disaster and since I've been doing this whole "being conscious" thing, their (my children's) behavior has started to become more amusing/understandable than embarrassing or upsetting. I didn't care that they would more than likely be loud and attempting to touch everything. My goal was to get my drugs. <br />
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I succeeded in getting my T3 refill and I also learned that the idiot I had seen previously was no longer working at the practice. SCORE! I failed at keeping the appointment focused solely on my medication, which led to me being pricked on the finger to check my blood levels, an appointment for an MRI on my back, a referral to the OB/GYN, a referral to see a therapist, and a suggestion to lose weight. WOW! I didn't want all of that to happen. I just wanted to get my script for the T3. <br />
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Truthfully, all of the things mentioned are quite necessary for me to have except that losing weight thing. I never even considered that my back may have something to do with the pain I am constantly in. The doctor asked me to walk on my heels and I couldn't do it without almost falling down, which she said may be back related as opposed to hip related. My blood levels should always be checked and thankfully everything was fine. I am not anemic. I need to see the OB/GYN and the insurance company won't let me do it without a referral. The therapist referral was recommended because she (the doctor) found it odd that I haven't been sleeping (which I kind of lied about), but I had been seeing one in North Carolina that helped me tremendously and it does not hurt to see another one. Now, the whole weight thing I take issue with because I am not overweight. She even said that I was not overweight, but mentioned that I could stand to lose 5-10 pounds to help out with the pressure on my hips. I'm not worrying about that. I'm not going to even consider it. I will consider bringing SOME exercise back into my life because she reminded me that even though the orthopedic doctor recommended I stay off my legs, I should still try to exercise because not using my hips also leads to them not working effectively. Unfortunately, she also reminded me that the likelihood that I will need a hip replacement by the age of 40 is still high.<br />
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My goal now is to stay as far away from the doctor's office as I can. I can't go into the doctor's office without them finding something wrong and I simply don't have the time for all of that. I go to see the Hematologist on Wednesday and I'm hoping that she found something wrong because I do not want to have the bone marrow biopsy.<br />
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My husband came home for all of 32 hours and that recharged me a bit, but I am so deep in love with this man that I am freakishly sad and happy at the same time. In our 10 years together, I have never once cried in front of him when he needed to go away for the military. Today, I cried and held on longer...tightly. When he packed, I sat down in front of his suitcase and hung on his every word. I watched him with our children. I backed off a bit and let him be their father and he thoroughly enjoyed his children. I didn't busy myself or focus on him leaving. I allowed myself to enjoy the moments while he was here and to feel the aloneness when he walked away. I know this isn't thyroid related, but it is amazing to be living in the moment. It's like a sweet piece of fruit or seeing the most amazing wonder in nature for the first time.<br />
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I am thankful.<br />
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-10778018478735622732013-08-08T22:33:00.002-07:002013-08-08T22:33:51.537-07:00A recipe with a side of ventingI took a break from the blog or rather the blog took a break from me. I've been so consumed with being a single mom lately that I haven't had much time for anything else. My husband is away training (we haven't broken up or anything) and in a 3 month period, I think I may get the chance to see him for a full 24 hours. It really does suck being an Army wife sometimes. I do enjoy eating and his job is what puts food on the table, so I have to deal with it. The last time I blogged, I mentioned that I baked some zucchini brownies and one of my favorite bloggers asked for the recipe in the comments. I really encourage anyone who needs an extra dose of pick me up or some really cool things to do with quinoa to check out <a href="http://www.zenthyroid.com/" target="_blank">Zen Thyroid</a>. When I started this journey, I was much different and I read a blog of her's called acceptance and it nearly had me sobbing. At that time I was fighting for my old life. I was literally fighting to keep every and anything that resembled what life was like before thyroid disease and I was killing myself on so many different levels. I realized after reading her blog post that I needed to accept what was happening to me and learn from it. I learned that I needed to make a new way for myself and new did not mean bad, so here is the recipe for such an awesome person that picked me up without even knowing it:<br />
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Zucchini Brownies from <a href="http://www.delightedmomma.com/" target="_blank">Delighted Momma</a><br />
1 cup almond butter<br />
1 1/2 cup grated zucchini<br />
1/3 cup raw honey<br />
1 egg<br />
1tsp vanilla<br />
1tsp baking soda<br />
1tsp cinnamon<br />
1/2 tsp nutmeg<br />
1 cup (enjoy life) chocolate chips<br />
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I did not make that recipe up. It comes directly from the Delighted Momma site and if you are starting to go gluten free or have been for a while, I strongly suggest you check out this site.<br />
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I have so much going on right now with the major issue being that I am running out of T3 medication and no one wants to refill it. I have this immense amount of anxiety that I won't get the medication in time and have to suffer through thyroid hell all by myself with 2 children. I really don't want to do that, so I think I may have to go to the emergency room tomorrow on post and ask them to give me some to hold me over until I can see the doctor next week. It's so frustrating. I also don't know if that is even going to work because when I switched manufacturers of Synthroid after moving to California, I had a rough time. I cannot believe that I am that sensitive. I am still waiting to go back to the Hematologist. I went in to get an ultrasound of my liver and spleen and it was one of the most uncomfortable exams I have had to date. I haven't heard anything back from the Hematologist and I am going to take that as good news. <br />
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Hopefully everything is fine and I will get my T3 tomorrow. Until then...<br />
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-78347079902991860352013-07-27T21:15:00.001-07:002013-07-27T21:15:23.097-07:00Celebrating a year post thyroidectomy and the end of my Whole 30Today is my official anniversary of having my thyroid removed. I thought I would have some type of emotion attached to this day, but I don't. I think it probably took a little less than a year to process that my life would be different. In the beginning, I was angry. I was so upset that I did not have cancer. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt a bit robbed. The whole reason I did the surgery was because of the cancer risk and not to have it, did not make sense to me. I essentially had a surgery that was unnecessary. Once I was able to get pass the anger, I think I entered a stage of fear. I was afraid of missing my medication. I mean, I would be in full panic mode. Those 2 little pills that I take every morning are what keep me alive and I don't think most people like me think about it often, but it is a fear of mine. It is a quiet fear now, but it was quite loud a few months after surgery. The months leading up to this anniversary were a mix of emotions that I hold quite close to me; however, I don't mind writing about them at the moment. I struggle with depression that is tied to toxic people. I was beginning to get caught up in it all and decided to talk to a therapist. The therapist is one of the people that I can credit to getting me on the road to healing both in the mind and body. I only had 4 sessions, but I cried about my health issues and I didn't feel guilty about it. I had taken this strong stance that I wasn't going to cry about this thyroid stuff because other people have so many issues that are much more serious than mine, but I was hurting myself by keeping it inside. I finally released all those feelings and have felt much better ever since. I also let someone (my father) very close to me go too and it has been hard to deal with, but the relationship was toxic. I hate that the therapist was right about the relationship we had and sometimes I can't believe how much more at peace I am without him in my life. It is unnatural in some ways to no longer communicate with someone who had a part in you coming to be, but when that person genuinely does not care about you and aims to tear you down, it is imperative that the relationship discontinue until one can heal. <br />
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I remind and read this quote quite often:<br />
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"<i>If we want to reconcile with our family or with friends who have hurt us, we have to take care of ourselves first. If we're not capable of listening to ourselves, how can we listen to another person? If we don't know how to recognize our own suffering, it won't be possible to bring peace and harmony into our relationships</i>" - Thich Nhat Hanh</div>
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My healing is both inside and out. I have learned that one does not happen without the other. If stress continues to be a factor, then so will sickness in my body. If I continue to distract myself from past hurts, then my present will constantly involve trips to the doctor. It is just that simple for me and I am learning to balance it all out. </div>
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In other news, I have finished MY Whole 30. I did not do a whole 30 days, but I thought I would end it today considering this was my anniversary and all. It was rough for me, but towards the end everything balanced out. I lost 2lbs, which isn't much to me, but it was never about the weight anyway. I celebrated today with some primal zucchini brownies and they were delicious, but too sweet. I did not overindulge either, which I credit to my Whole <strike>30</strike> (26). That's all for now.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-52272828005828668162013-07-26T19:40:00.002-07:002013-07-26T19:42:31.463-07:00Vlog with my Cousin/Sister/Best Friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Okay, so my cousin and I did a tag video for her youtube channel. I think it is pretty funny and cute and I thought I would share it here on my blog. Of course, my cousin is on your right (looking fabulous) and I am the plain looking girl on your left. We basically just asked one another questions about...stuff. It was a ton of fun. Just press play below:</div>
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-32765583059163837312013-07-24T09:00:00.000-07:002013-07-24T09:00:05.321-07:00Whole 30 Day 23Okay, so I have missed a number of days blogging. As usual, life just seemed to keep getting in the way and thankfully I have carved out a moment to sit down and type.<br />
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The last time I blogged, I was on day 15 of the Whole 30 and I was literally losing my mind up until that day. I can only assume that my body was doing some type of detox and it was all mental. I haven't really lost any weight, but I also have not weighed myself. I've been coming up with some really interesting meals too and I am quite proud of myself. I post what I eat for dinner most days, so if you want to take a look just follow me at http://instagram.com/buterflisoldier or look up my name "buterflisoldier". Here are some of my new creations:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik_y5RoGyxRQujm7zO2uODjR7jWzuU4x_cxiZuVearN2efMA9492tJYGtSc4IlOCVG1Ivb3ueg2rwjf6hj97DC9ti9EWD5yX8ogvBTOdPEfy6iq0UYdL0IHPlc9ARiVOlaR0uaHV9s10xD/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik_y5RoGyxRQujm7zO2uODjR7jWzuU4x_cxiZuVearN2efMA9492tJYGtSc4IlOCVG1Ivb3ueg2rwjf6hj97DC9ti9EWD5yX8ogvBTOdPEfy6iq0UYdL0IHPlc9ARiVOlaR0uaHV9s10xD/s320/photo+1.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lamb with cauliflower and broccoli</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKvEC9OUBfx4iMJXCvFcf9Tp-vo1RlepBgMG29m-v5ZFptMreeqSdf4PrAM_r0qGsRESjMWgAo1IJv4PvuSOrpbzJhGcEBP2uLBF13P2ruJHVfKTdeXu2Yw3jYlajCYhLuQWjUqZUcf2Bl/s1600/photo+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKvEC9OUBfx4iMJXCvFcf9Tp-vo1RlepBgMG29m-v5ZFptMreeqSdf4PrAM_r0qGsRESjMWgAo1IJv4PvuSOrpbzJhGcEBP2uLBF13P2ruJHVfKTdeXu2Yw3jYlajCYhLuQWjUqZUcf2Bl/s320/photo+3.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chard with ground beef, tomato, and avocado<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirwZkfg-WSseqNDGEdUvSjhFLf2byo1AKLZqbEHABwiErutQBcXUbgnkpPU89MvYq7EKF0SUQBpxaFWY8sKVUt9hDZCRW_za3p-PSIpLlJPpIotXTLRHbf6UdLh90WqQILSqhLrVCKQlW_/s1600/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirwZkfg-WSseqNDGEdUvSjhFLf2byo1AKLZqbEHABwiErutQBcXUbgnkpPU89MvYq7EKF0SUQBpxaFWY8sKVUt9hDZCRW_za3p-PSIpLlJPpIotXTLRHbf6UdLh90WqQILSqhLrVCKQlW_/s320/photo+2.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ground beef with chard, carrot, jalapeno, broccoli, tomato, and avocado</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidUBN8d3tMdlzV1CJSQUSdz0MmT90oxbF4NIgwcpcOlK520AjJ8AQ_q1a0wXnNmHDNaHD5giUF_BktMiGAQjc-PnjQLZM5gmZOLMncDtGtmli9iIW62UD8g4p3IB6XMubFcIOWYsjllzLr/s1600/photo+3.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidUBN8d3tMdlzV1CJSQUSdz0MmT90oxbF4NIgwcpcOlK520AjJ8AQ_q1a0wXnNmHDNaHD5giUF_BktMiGAQjc-PnjQLZM5gmZOLMncDtGtmli9iIW62UD8g4p3IB6XMubFcIOWYsjllzLr/s400/photo+3.PNG" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Homemade guacamole, curry chicken with chard (top), curry chicken with cauliflower (bottom)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJaOXXXhgHFVPXcNqd3LoMbTI6cvP8Za9mXieJNnat5pJMANCF_cNFxsgfP742BC8qq5C-6iTERG3POGEM9Mxaoo0EeRH-NPH8q1-S9Rd7VMVpJcDFpQa72CMDHSNBHErjLIZDZjAHSSqT/s1600/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJaOXXXhgHFVPXcNqd3LoMbTI6cvP8Za9mXieJNnat5pJMANCF_cNFxsgfP742BC8qq5C-6iTERG3POGEM9Mxaoo0EeRH-NPH8q1-S9Rd7VMVpJcDFpQa72CMDHSNBHErjLIZDZjAHSSqT/s320/photo+2.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cabbage tacos (ground beef, tomato, avocado).</td></tr>
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I look forward to the Whole 30 ending. I expected to have a ton of energy and feel great, but that has not happened. My energy is considerably lower, but I also have some other health issues going on right now, so that could have a part in why I just have not been feel well. I will say that I am not getting bloated anymore and I'm not having in trouble in the bathroom. The Whole 30 has all my pipes working quite well. Anywho, that all for now...</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-78633338968936730452013-07-24T07:27:00.000-07:002013-07-24T07:27:38.582-07:00HematologistI've been kind of hinting around on some of my recent posts about something going wrong medically. It is not completely thyroid related, or at least I don't think so. My blood work has been coming back odd. My white blood count is low. My platelets and neutrophils are also low and my lymph is high. The blood work was not alarming at first because I believe the doctors simply thought I must have been fighting some type of infection. An alarm went off when I continued to have issues with fatigue even after I was supposedly cured of my thyroid ailments. About 18 months ago, my doctor ordered a test to see exactly what was going on with my blood and found that I had more young red blood cells. I don't know all the details, but she said that she thought I could have ITP and suggest I see a hematologist. At that time, I didn't want to. I was very worried about my thyroid situation and honestly didn't want another issue on my plate. Now that my thyroid is removed and I still have moments of exhaustion the blood was looked at more closely and I finally agreed to see a hematologist.<br />
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I went to see the hematologist last week and the appointment went well. I was extremely worried because my labs definitely show that there is a problem. The doctor was quite nice and she told me that she thought there was an issue, but that it was not an emergency. She ordered a ton of tests and I have to have an ultrasound to check if my spleen or liver are enlarged. I go back to see her in about a month and at that time she will decide if I need to have a bone marrow biopsy. I asked her what might be wrong with me and she said that it could be a number of things and until we did the testing, she really couldn't say. I left the appointment feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders until I woke up the next morning realizing that I really had not received any answers.<br />
<br />
Hopefully, everything works itself out.<br />
<br />
<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-53845215350830230632013-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:002013-07-16T09:00:02.082-07:00Whole 30 (Day 13, 14, and 15) The clouds have officially lifted...<br />
<br />
I'm not sure what kind of space I was in the past 4 days, but I don't want to go there anymore. I was consumed by this dark cloud and to say I was irritable would be an understatement. Not only was I just downright mean, but I was also very sad. The question is, what made me feel this way?<br />
<br />
It did not dawn on me that my body could be going through some type of detox because of the Whole 30. I generally eat well, so the idea that somehow eliminating honey from my diet would send me into a depression never crossed my mind. I believe that I was going through withdrawals and I am seriously thinking about what I am going to do when the Whole 30 is complete. If honey is affecting my moods to that degree, then I may have a bit of a problem. I also must admit that I have not been taking my Vitamin D like I should, which may have contributed to everything as well. <br />
<br />
I will not discuss what I have eaten for the past 3 days because I only remember what I ate today (thyroid brain). I am happy to write that I have not cheated, which is awesome considering the state of mind I was in the past few days. So, today I ate a banana for breakfast. I ate mango slices, nuts, dates, and 2 large glasses of water for a snack, which turned into my lunch because I absolutely had no more room left in my stomach to eat. For dinner, I had lamb, cabbage, and sweet potato. I am so much more satisfied on this diet than I thought I would be. I guess I'm over the hump and also at the halfway mark. <br />
<br />
Woo Hoo!!!!<br />
<br />
<em>Breathe and Listen</em>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-78199283440378878002013-07-15T21:16:00.000-07:002013-07-15T21:16:19.493-07:00There are Idiots Among Us!My family and I moved to California from North Carolina about 2 months ago. Of course, when one moves he or she has to find new doctors and that is what I attempted to do today. Unfortunately, the doctor I met today was an idiot.<br />
<br />
She was a very nice lady. I actually commented on how lovely her engagement ring was; however, after hearing her talk for about 20 minutes, I wondered who the lost soul was that planned to marry such an idiot. I won't even go through the trouble of giving her an initial, she will always be referred to as "The Idiot".<br />
<br />
At the appointment, we went through the regular small talk about why I was there and what it was that I needed. I told her that I needed a few referrals with one being to see an Endocrinologist. <strong> First, let me point out that I'm not very fond of Endocrinologist either, but I've been up and down in weight, my menses (sorry guys) are off, and I really feel hyper sometimes because my heart sometimes races. I'm quite afraid of going to the Endocrinologist because I don't want some smarty pants to take me off my T3, but I also hope to meet someone who will agree to give me a prescription for natural dissected thyroid medication.</strong> Okay, back to The Idiot. She looks at me and says, "you don't need an Endocrinologist to monitor your thyroid. We can do that here. It's really quite simple. We just check your levels from time to time and adjust your medication". I think it was the word simple that pissed me off because this has been nothing but simple. I say to her, "I don't have a thyroid". She then lights up like a Christmas Tree and tells me that, "that's even better. It's easier to monitor you when you don't have a thyroid. You just have to call us if you think it's growing back". At that point, I sternly told her that I wanted the referral to an Endocrinologist and when she looked as if she was going to protest, I told her that I was more comfortable with a specialist. I shut down after that and I could tell she felt that I was done with her and truthfully I was. I know that I will never see The Idiot again.<br />
<br />
There are 2 things that stood out to me. First, she never asked why I had my thyroid removed, yet she thinks it is easy to manage. Secondly, I asked The Idiot for clarity on a problem I have been having with my lymph and neutrophil blood work and The Idiot says to me that the numbers suggest cancer or leukemia right in front of my children. I could have slapped her, but one must never be mean to Idiots because they know not what they do. It just makes me frightened for all those who just sit back and listen to idiots like her and never find relief from this whole thyroid crap.<br />
<br />
By the way, I go to see the Hematologist on Wednesday. I have been really stressed about this appointment, but I also feel like I am about to get some answers. Until next time...<br />
<br />
<em>Breathe and Listen</em>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-63233800324227713862013-07-13T06:42:00.005-07:002013-07-13T06:42:57.452-07:00Whole 30 (Day 11 and 12)I've been having a few rough days. The diet is fine, but I am a stimulant junkie. I need sugar. I use to run everyday. I use to workout almost 4 days a week. I use to be extremely active. I did those things because I loved the release of endorphins. I can't do those things anymore. The lack of a thyroid greatly impacts what I use my energy for and I have osteoarthritis, a bone spur, and labral tear in my right hip so it is pretty painful to do the workouts I use to. I have just taken to practicing yoga, but it doesn't give you the same high as a good long run, so I think I've been using SUGAR as my stimulant. I'm not a coffee drinker either, but this diet is showing me that my body and brain are addicted to sweets. Because I consider myself paleoish/primal, I haven't had full fledged sugar in almost 2 years now, but I would typically go through 2lbs of honey and maple syrup in a month. I now know by how my body is responding to this diet that I am overdoing it. My body is not happy nor is my mind with eliminating the stimulant I have been using.<br />
<br />
Depression stopped by for a visit and then angry popped in too. I imagine this is how a junkie must feel when trying to kick their drug habit, but I guess a bit more extreme. Now, for what I ate. <br />
<br />
Day 11:<br />
<br />
Breakfast - 3 eggs, avocado and tomato<br />
Lunch - Cabbage tacos (took a picture, but it doesn't look all that appetizing)<br />
Dinner - Lamb with broccoli and cauliflower<br />
<br />
Day 12:<br />
<br />
Breakfast - paleo cereal with bananas and strawberries<br />
Lunch - Cabbage and lamb <br />
Dinner - Oops, I don't think I ate dinner<br />
<br />
Of course I can't walk around all depressed and angry because I want a spoonful of honey, so I added a new snack into my rotation called dates. Now, dates are super sweet, but I can't overeat them. They are just that sweet and that filing, but they are getting me over my hump. I also realized that I haven't been keeping up with my Vitamin D and I think that may have something to do with my mood. No pictures today, but I'm going to be out and about celebrating my son's birthday this weekend, so I more than likely will have some yummy food to photograph. <br />
<br />
I feel like I'm almost all the way hypo again, so wish me luck this weekend guys. I'm trying to keep my head above water.<br />
<br />
<em>Breathe and Listen</em>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-25386674146717374412013-07-13T06:19:00.000-07:002013-07-13T06:26:35.089-07:00A Conversation with DepressionThe clouds have come in...<br />
<br />
An old friend has been lurking outside of my house for a few days now. I saw him peaking through the windows on Monday and I ran to close the blinds. I made a point of leaving my house with the hope that I could somehow trick him into leaving, but when I pulled out of my driveway, I saw him sitting at my front door step, as if saying that he would be there when I got back. Tuesday, I saw him again. He was knocking on my front door, a slow knock, not demanding, but a knock all the same. I rushed to play with my children. I ignored him. Wednesday, he had somehow made it inside of my house and he simply just sat on my couch as if he were waiting for me to join him. I sat with him for a moment and eased in how familiar it was to hold hands with an old friend and enemy. I got up when I noticed he was holding my hand too tight and ran to the bookstore. Surely there was something I could find at the bookstore that would help me get this dude out of my life for good. I bought a book, watched my children play, went to the store and hoped that he would be gone by the time I made it home. When I got home, he met me at the door and I ran to the phone to ignore this fool, hoping a friend would distract his impending presence in my life. I kept him at a distance and when night came, he sat across me, but refused to leave. When I got up on Thursday, he was in bed with me and I had given up chase. I allowed him to hold my hand and even get on my back briefly. My old friend was back in full force...<br />
<br />
<em>Me: Mr. Depression, why have you come back?</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: You asked for me, didn't you?</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: I have never asked for you. I have never wanted you as a friend. You aren't even a friend I can depend on because you aren't a constant. You keep showing up and then leaving.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
He was silent after that exchange, but still there. By Friday, I had enough and alone in my shower I finally had a conversation that was long over due with my friend.<br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: Why are you here? I was doing so well.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: You asked for me, didn't you?</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: NO! Leave. PLEASE.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: Oh, but you want me here. You need to go numb for a while. You aren't doing to well with all these emotions. I've always come to help you when reality gets too rough. You should really stop this whole healing thing. It's not good for you. </em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: But, I need to heal. I've had a few rough things in my life that I need to overcome. </em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: Oh yes, your childhood, the thyroid, and now you're sick again. You need me here. Oh, and you must stop this yoga thing as soon as possible. Please stop reading that book too. I'm here now. You no longer have to feel.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: I want to feel.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: Oh, really? Why haven't you had a good cry in years? Wouldn't that change what everyone LOVES about you? You're so stoic and so strong. You're reserved and funny. You tell jokes. You give good advice. How on Earth are you going to do that if you are feeling all the emotions you continue to stuff down inside of you? Oh my, how would you wear your smile?</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: I understand that I have used you in the past to hide. We get along because when you are here I feel numb and can function, but I want to live in every moment now. I want to feel.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: You still haven't cried. You still hold back. You need me. You really don't want me to leave. Now, clean yourself up. Put on your happy face and go to this play date with your children. All the moms will love you. You're so charismatic. You're so funny. Wait, maybe you shouldn't go. Let's get reacquainted for a few days and then you can go knock their socks off.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: I can cry. I can feel.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: Oh, but you can't. You poor thing. You need me.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Me: (Sobbing) LEAVE! You are no longer needed! I will heal without you. I am allowing myself not to be perfect. LEAVE NOW! </em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: That Zen Master shit has really got you going. You think a little breathing and listening is going to help you. You haven't got a clue how hard it is to find your center, especially for someone like you, but, I will leave...for now.</em> <br />
<br />
As I pull out of my driveway to go to a play date with my children, I don't see my old friend. I feel as if I have won, but cry the whole way to the play date. As I get out of the car, I see him and I walk right pass him. I know I am not the same person while talking to these women. I am more interested in seeing my children play. I am less comfortable with conversation and more comfortable in watching my son make a friend. My heart smiles. I am the quiet weirdo, but for once I live in the moment. Every step is intentional. Every laugh and smile felt genuinely. Driving home, I remember every light and turn. I can feel that I am coming back to being conscious. I don't want to live on auto-pilot any more. He, my old friend (Depression) is waiting for me at the door.<br />
<br />
<em>Me: Goodbye </em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>Depression: I'll be here when you need me, but I'm not leaving just yet. I won't come in, but I will be close. Good luck my dear because you're going to need it.</em>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-35214096140290614032013-07-11T09:30:00.000-07:002013-07-11T09:30:00.824-07:00Whole 30 (Day 9 and 10)The days are starting to get really crappy. Day 9 sucked worse than day 8. I kept spiking. I woke up feeling great and then 2 hours later, I felt horrible. I literally felt like a wall of fatigue just hit me. I ate breakfast, which was 3 boiled eggs, avocado and tomato. I eat that breakfast every morning and took my medication the way I normally do, but for some reason I was off for the remainder of the day. I started playing with my children and the next thing I knew they were yelling, "wake up mommy". I was really that tired. I told them we needed to have a movie day because mommy just wasn't feeling well, so we sat down on the couch, snuggled up and 2 hours later I felt great again. When the fatigue wore off, I picked myself up and went to the library, bookstore, and Trader Joes. By the time I got home, I felt like crap again. I don't know what is going on, but I know I do not like it. I suspect that I am having some adrenal issues, but I've got other things to deal with at the moment and that will have to wait. Anyway, I picked up some ground beef from the store to make myself some tacos (with a cabbage shell of course) and just so happened to turn the package around and saw this:<br />
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I have been trying to figure out how ground beef is the product of three different countries and I was so alarmed by this label that I just didn't eat it. It is still in my refrigerator. I don't know how I feel about knowingly eating a cow with a passport. I typically go to the halal market/butcher for meat. I prefer looking into the eyes of a butcher or a farmer, but I needed something quick and the picture above is what I got. The rest of the day was uneventful. My dinner was scrumptious. I had chard, curry chicken, broccoli and cauliflower. </div>
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Day 10 was worse than day 9. My energy has yet to pick up and I feel like I'm spiraling down. I have moments when my energy picks up, but more than the fatigue, my attitude sucks. I'm just so short tempered. I feel like I need some cookies in my life. I know at this point that I really have a problem with sugar. Oh, which brings me to some Whole 30 failures:</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieCi7fj9hyXhF2tP9cW9uhofcHjZ3d3fIoxHGotemcHW8DDOdc12Oq_L7xmsxn2paS_910MDcyQx0xpael2JKc-3dwDEdSpZu72ZUbln5RcHgf9NpjDEYWu3UlcMJ_bkyUa8Xw5CraTfvs/s1600/picstitch-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieCi7fj9hyXhF2tP9cW9uhofcHjZ3d3fIoxHGotemcHW8DDOdc12Oq_L7xmsxn2paS_910MDcyQx0xpael2JKc-3dwDEdSpZu72ZUbln5RcHgf9NpjDEYWu3UlcMJ_bkyUa8Xw5CraTfvs/s320/picstitch-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Contains sugar</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwt-6J1QH_q0ERTchwHGmnLexEqTaXLfTB7_D5dzWAh1Yo1nnYx1aFo-HkZTOMJ3014y0iwQxBoL4W_ojy8qqqx4VgrHC0T-D5BuG5T7i9DbEB6Hn0hcc0CQ2fhc_vzVS9yy12i4lvhEzh/s1600/picstitch-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwt-6J1QH_q0ERTchwHGmnLexEqTaXLfTB7_D5dzWAh1Yo1nnYx1aFo-HkZTOMJ3014y0iwQxBoL4W_ojy8qqqx4VgrHC0T-D5BuG5T7i9DbEB6Hn0hcc0CQ2fhc_vzVS9yy12i4lvhEzh/s320/picstitch-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Contains sugar</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt6VPbsl_tAiwTsx1TZJOa-UHFWp7nSqKLiT__kbQE84irLsfRi8wiROsEgfSCbgXAxykOev-a3tCP_J5qtmMPuBXh_sL4Ci0eDzYQ7LkH2k00JoTSMi-k17hP_Y7A6OJ8sWzYau7dS3ex/s1600/picstitch-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt6VPbsl_tAiwTsx1TZJOa-UHFWp7nSqKLiT__kbQE84irLsfRi8wiROsEgfSCbgXAxykOev-a3tCP_J5qtmMPuBXh_sL4Ci0eDzYQ7LkH2k00JoTSMi-k17hP_Y7A6OJ8sWzYau7dS3ex/s320/picstitch-3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not sure about this, contains defatted soy</td></tr>
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I had to invest in another seasoning because all of the ones I usually use were not Whole 30 approved. I ended up buying a new one from Trader Joes and I like it.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgswAvtYUo9NQNtAXme4a8e6IrgKYYEaWJQh3-DdD2ngHEDLISyq6cHybxeLDVmY3pHdyghPnVbGkO2GGQpd9X3e_82BFc4iuoAw9jyIakXCx4O1Is9Oy7gvZsuq3ZTgE4a9PXRQjhNH_19/s1600/picstitch-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgswAvtYUo9NQNtAXme4a8e6IrgKYYEaWJQh3-DdD2ngHEDLISyq6cHybxeLDVmY3pHdyghPnVbGkO2GGQpd9X3e_82BFc4iuoAw9jyIakXCx4O1Is9Oy7gvZsuq3ZTgE4a9PXRQjhNH_19/s320/picstitch-4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No sugar!<br /></td></tr>
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My meals were pretty much the same as on Day 8 for day 9 and 10. I am hoping that things start to turn around in how I am feeling. I called the doctor today because I realize that I need to be seen. I also have a hematology appointment next week that I will probably write about soon. Until next time...<div>
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i><br /><div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-5076159491286161202013-07-09T09:00:00.000-07:002013-07-09T09:00:03.855-07:00Whole 30 (Day 8)Today sucked!<br />
<br />
I mean, it really sucked. I want to eat my Paleoish cookies so bad. I just want a spoonful of honey. I really want to eat some rice. I just felt hungry all day today and I ate more than I usually eat. Check it out:<br />
<br />
Breakfast: 3 boiled eggs, avocado and tomato<br />
<br />
Snack: Peach<br />
<br />
Lunch: Chicken Strips (homemade, Whole 30 approved), sweet potato and avocado<br />
<br />
Dinner: Lamb, sweet potato and avocado<br />
<br />
Snack: Strawberries and a Watermelon and Kale Smoothie<br />
<br />
I just felt out of it today. I didn't feel like doing anything. My energy kept spiking. One moment I was full of energy and the next I was dozing off to sleep. I know I need to see the endocrinologist because although my labs are in the normal range, I noticed that my numbers were increasing, which is odd. I haven't picked an endocrinologist because I am very afraid a new one won't agree with me taking T4 and T3. I refuse to go back to what I was doing before, so I am a bit apprehensive. <br />
<br />
That's about it for day 8. It sucked! I felt so hypo that it wasn't even funny. Hopefully, the hypo clouds aren't moving in and this was just a bad day.<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-72361856832066569432013-07-08T09:00:00.000-07:002013-07-08T22:34:52.509-07:00Whole 30 (Day 6 and 7)There really isn't anything all that exciting to write about day 6 or 7. Day 6, was pretty busy. My family and I went out to the Farmer's Market here in Temecula, CA and bought a few things. I made breakfast ahead of time, which was two eggs and a nectarine...I think. I always love going to this market on Saturdays because it is so beautiful and the prices are great.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjia7hQI8Zy6pn62EiE4Vb7c5KRvZc4LwiW1FmLY_YP-N201RPWIePuf3dyX0zBKGefpuksdyK3s2oiMYredeW71MOTuh67W3XRglOMd5Iee-0T-NX9aNzrrM7rP9cfCwy-fQ5VBsdInumJ/s1600/photo-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjia7hQI8Zy6pn62EiE4Vb7c5KRvZc4LwiW1FmLY_YP-N201RPWIePuf3dyX0zBKGefpuksdyK3s2oiMYredeW71MOTuh67W3XRglOMd5Iee-0T-NX9aNzrrM7rP9cfCwy-fQ5VBsdInumJ/s400/photo-1.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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After the market, we came home and got a quick snack before going on the lake. I absolutely love California...sometimes. We followed the lake up with going to the beach and by the time all of that was over, I was HUNGRY. We stopped at the Halal market in Temecula and got a few Kabobs, which were spectacular. That was it for day 6.<br />
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Day 7, my cousin left to go back to Los Angeles and as soon as I got back into the house from dropping her off, I began to crave bad food. I learned from her being here with me that the key is to have healthy food near you when these cravings happen, so I ate some strawberries and busied myself with cleaning the house. My husband must have sensed that I was about to loose it because he made me a delicious smoothie. Only problem was that the smoothie was too sweet from the watermelon we got from the farmers market. Foods or drinks that are too sweet are a gateway to me not completing this Whole 30. My dinner was awesome and I took a picture before I scarfed it down.<br />
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I ate better today, but I did not drink enough water. I'm going to get this thing together before the end, but I can honestly say that I feel better and lost 1 whole pound. Yippie!<br />
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-62258155349612098262013-07-06T10:04:00.000-07:002013-07-06T10:04:21.492-07:00Whole 30 (Day 4 and 5)Again, I have missed a day of blogging about this Whole 30, but I have a great reason. My family and I spent the whole day out on the 4th of July and I was absolutely too exhausted to open my computer and write about food. I haven't done the whole fireworks and barbecue thing in so long that I think I forgot how fun it could be. On top of just enjoying the great outdoors, I had the pleasure to be in the company of friends who I deployed with while I was in the Army. It was an awesome day. My daughter got to go fishing; my son got to dance around in his diaper and I got to catch up with girlfriends. The best part of the day was reminiscing over the good times in Iraq and Kuwait. It truly was an awesome day. <br />
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So, about the Whole 30...it was not easy to maintain on the 4th of July. The hot dogs, burgers, and ALCOHOL! Truthfully, I don't drink alcohol because it makes my body feel horrible, but a real life burger would have been so nice. I couldn't bring myself to break my diet and I am deathly afraid of gluten, so with the help of great friends, I ate some grilled chicken and burger with no bread or anything else. There was also a ton of fruit to eat and considering that I thought we were only going to be there for 10 minutes and ended up staying for about 9 hours, I believe I maintained my Whole 30 in a pretty efficient manner.<br />
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Day 5 was much better. I didn't eat breakfast, but that is because of my thyroid medication. I started waiting a whole hour to eat after taking my medication because I found that it made me feel better. Most doctors suggest you wait 30 minutes, but I have come to learn that my body does better with an hour between my morning medication and food. I went to meet friends so early in the day that I didn't get the chance to eat. Surprisingly, I wasn't very hungry, but I absolutely needed to eat lunch. My cousin and I knew we weren't going to cook when we got home, so we poked our heads into this really cool restaurant called Earth Bistro. It is truly a fantastic place and you can totally make your food Whole 30 approved. I ordered a burger on a bed of lettuce and my cousin ordered a philly cheesesteak without the bun, mayonnaise, or cheese. The best part about the restaurant is that it is mostly organic, the meat is grass-fed, and all the items on their menu are locally grown. Here are some of the pictures:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIJkVYNbbZCBD3ahHAoX8Qa4KJpQCqxmHID8isngfg9J5aNn0GvqB8qkQ1nYJPzsaI45x8-fhMAhd6Jlu7QD1TfN56AgN_XNB_SYn1lzrI9KtQx0vChWqhb_fBinz_nk8rUMcQnRSh1ztB/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIJkVYNbbZCBD3ahHAoX8Qa4KJpQCqxmHID8isngfg9J5aNn0GvqB8qkQ1nYJPzsaI45x8-fhMAhd6Jlu7QD1TfN56AgN_XNB_SYn1lzrI9KtQx0vChWqhb_fBinz_nk8rUMcQnRSh1ztB/s320/photo+1.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stuffed Vegan Mushrooms (minus vegan cheese)</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw2PxCfDH0m5xILbhbsUlcxCw_b_HGNcXZ-Nm8IMx7ptZ0posqQ6EJRRUBevBaTls7QwQJRn-jh5F8wHyIknDJNHuwtGO26R5IaFk391O6Qp_gWYDiUgQH8wQtuGhMQiBYPqXFptp2EzV1/s1600/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw2PxCfDH0m5xILbhbsUlcxCw_b_HGNcXZ-Nm8IMx7ptZ0posqQ6EJRRUBevBaTls7QwQJRn-jh5F8wHyIknDJNHuwtGO26R5IaFk391O6Qp_gWYDiUgQH8wQtuGhMQiBYPqXFptp2EzV1/s320/photo+2.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Italian Mob (beef patty, sun-dried tomatoes, red onion, avocado, artichokes, and lettuce)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEGDLZIoJpKnlVSAK6Q2WI3ukX-MSPBJYlUF8qgFzxESZzfaWiJJe7SSPEWu6SZfpdqJ-lhoj5XzzyaRnQsGs5bzAqOM18CBvhslXNht4jeoIzb67pYbVRGrFUnHrOtoh-P_s6q6s5a6yI/s1600/photo+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEGDLZIoJpKnlVSAK6Q2WI3ukX-MSPBJYlUF8qgFzxESZzfaWiJJe7SSPEWu6SZfpdqJ-lhoj5XzzyaRnQsGs5bzAqOM18CBvhslXNht4jeoIzb67pYbVRGrFUnHrOtoh-P_s6q6s5a6yI/s320/photo+3.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Philly Cheese Steak (minus the bun, mayo, and cheese)</td></tr>
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The food was grrrrrrreat! I mean, I could have eaten more, but it was enough to satisfy my hunger and I think that is what this Whole 30 is all about. I would go back even if I wasn't on the Whole 30, so mission accomplished. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful with us ending the day eating chicken my husband grilled with chard and avocado. Of course, I drank water, tea, and had the pleasure of sneaking some of my cousins Kombucha (I'll write about this drink later). Day 5 was a pretty good Whole 30 day.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoRbwEmIKjEigndYDlUurhYdlidUyJlP21XyjtUXtrHVGlRJ1_c8FKhOb5xDjGsJCGWVJxKhTkw20sjOrNaTyFVlOV3c6w17Jv-P6jOGidEp7ptaXsTX-YqLIC6OqR9V3fy6WQ5ZTbkEuz/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoRbwEmIKjEigndYDlUurhYdlidUyJlP21XyjtUXtrHVGlRJ1_c8FKhOb5xDjGsJCGWVJxKhTkw20sjOrNaTyFVlOV3c6w17Jv-P6jOGidEp7ptaXsTX-YqLIC6OqR9V3fy6WQ5ZTbkEuz/s400/photo.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My cousin and I<br />
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-47464638401711456762013-07-04T10:00:00.000-07:002013-07-04T10:00:10.246-07:00Whole 30 (Day 2 and 3)Okay, so obviously I'm no good at blogging. I missed a day of blogging already, but I plan to...try my best documenting this Whole 30 process.<br />
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Day 2 was awesome. I have no idea what I ate. I know I stuck to the plan, but I could not tell you exactly what I had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Forgive me, but I have no thyroid. I absolutely have no memory sometimes, but since I am writing this at 9 p.m. my brain is still working with today's activities so I will share what I ate today, which is Day 3.<br />
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Breakfast: 2 eggs, with tomato and avocado<br />
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Lunch: Chicken Strips (Whole 30 approved), cucumbers and tomatoes<br />
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So, that is basically what I ate for the day and that is absolutely SAD. My program kind of got messed because I didn't prepare anything for lunch. I took my kids to a stay at-home mom's group bowling function where they made pizzas and simply didn't pack a lunch for myself. The chicken strips were a late lunch and when I eat late, I typically don't eat dinner. I failed for today, but I am also sticking with it more than I did last time...well, that's not true. The only difference is that I am not craving juice and sweets this time, which is giving me a clue that I may actually do this for a whole 30 days (hence Whole 30). <br />
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I believe my saving grace this time is my cousin, who is here visiting. Oh, by the way, did I tell you that I moved across the United States of America with my husband and three children by car? That, I will write about later. Anywho, here are some pictures of my food for Day 3 and of course my cousins beautiful breakfast. She always puts me to shame. Hopefully, I'll blog tomorrow. Happy 4th of July.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAqE3AqFgdDNjuUFQuEhmp7V64k0oTt6S7kjnot5apSdcohCAAcfg_aVBIwx4Vs2k4ZVCovAiksriNyJupTnhVACPAUsi6002ml9es7M4daJFlCGC8hjqeO8wUX8dYk8Rkz-8GrbJJY8Sc/s640/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAqE3AqFgdDNjuUFQuEhmp7V64k0oTt6S7kjnot5apSdcohCAAcfg_aVBIwx4Vs2k4ZVCovAiksriNyJupTnhVACPAUsi6002ml9es7M4daJFlCGC8hjqeO8wUX8dYk8Rkz-8GrbJJY8Sc/s320/photo+1.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My cousin's breakfast (Chard, 2 eggs, Avocado)</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh95333tpR9GaB-9Yq9JahtXQhjgRkPcvFntlROB12yYpLAcv3FhsuzqWn-oTmR1MSM8_LM3thUwaMY8nlTvLDtV5YRgHomM4Svbkh8h84ray6WFA0HWVt0B0eiY98UMbCpaxJCaqq-wDKK/s640/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh95333tpR9GaB-9Yq9JahtXQhjgRkPcvFntlROB12yYpLAcv3FhsuzqWn-oTmR1MSM8_LM3thUwaMY8nlTvLDtV5YRgHomM4Svbkh8h84ray6WFA0HWVt0B0eiY98UMbCpaxJCaqq-wDKK/s320/photo+2.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Breakfast (2 boiled eggs, tomatoes, avocado)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaQydzi0kW1oG33kxwen3R1by0A1sGz66i6WJT3T9kmxo6oC2t2K2lZzxNz35NEA2YU4UMlt6cGvsZJj06xpK-TduZpeKRthRYGojzAWOneUSurvUtG7ICycYlm12EOSO-oQmCIaao8EV/s640/photo+5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaQydzi0kW1oG33kxwen3R1by0A1sGz66i6WJT3T9kmxo6oC2t2K2lZzxNz35NEA2YU4UMlt6cGvsZJj06xpK-TduZpeKRthRYGojzAWOneUSurvUtG7ICycYlm12EOSO-oQmCIaao8EV/s320/photo+5.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Lunch (Chicken Strips Whole 30 approved, cucumber, tomato, and avocado)</td></tr>
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-71748688197381977152013-07-03T21:54:00.000-07:002013-07-03T21:55:12.910-07:00Riedel ThyroiditisI just wanted to do a short post about a very important condition. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Riedel Thyroiditis and it has been extremely difficult for her to find others. Riedel Thyroiditis is very rare. The basic problem of this condition involves a mass (dense fibrosis) that I assume attaches itself to the thyroid, grows and then invades other structures of the neck. It is a very serious condition because it has the ability to crush the trachea, which is deadly. I just wanted to put this post out in the universe with the hope that if someone may happen to search one day for this condition and find my page that they will know that they are not alone. There is a support group on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/151110365064933/?fref=ts" target="_blank">Facebook</a> (link provided) and even if you don't have the condition, it would be nice to show these guys some support. Surgery is not an option for the people who have this condition and most of the time either steroids or medication that destroys the chance of having further children is given to control the growth of the mass. There are also times that medication simply doesn't work and people have to learn to live with the difficulty of eating and the worry of dying. <br />
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The thyroid community has been so good to me. This condition is so rare that my friend has only found one other person like herself. I know there are others out there who think they are going through this alone. I know that I felt alone with all my thyroid problems and one of my saving graces has been the online thyroid community, so please give them a shout out of support if you can. <br />
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<i>Breathe and Listen</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-91516763479898914762013-07-02T06:51:00.000-07:002013-07-02T06:51:20.247-07:00Whole 30 (Day 1)I cannot believe I am typing right now! My children have decided to sleep in, which means that they are asleep past 6 a.m. I'm all types of excited right now.<br />
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Okay, so I've decided to begin a Whole 30. I did one last year and failed horribly. I am, like most people, somewhat addicted to sweets. I say somewhat because it isn't something I absolutely need all of the time, but I have found that I do turn to something sweet at least once a day for a pick me up. I don't know if it is common with people with thyroid issues, but I imagine that it would be. I don't drink coffee and I don't eat refined sugar, but I can fill up on honey with the best of them. Although some would argue that that would be okay in moderation, I would like to curb that craving of mine for a little bit of time. <br />
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Oh, so I have not explained the Whole 30 (can you tell I'm excited to be typing?). Forgive me, the Whole 30 is basically Paleo without trying to make the foods you use to eat more paleo like. You know, like Paleo cookies, cupcakes, and brownies. The Whole 30 is really about eating more of a whole foods diet along with eliminating some common irritant foods, like soy. I can't explain in its totality, but I will say that it is hard for me to follow correctly because I want to cheat and sneak in some soy and gluten free chocolate chips just to get me past 4 p.m. I can't do that on a Whole 30 diet, so needless to say I find myself getting irritated and really tired at around 6 p.m. Who knows what that is all about, but I have sneaky suspicion that it may have to do with not having enough T3 or a touch of adrenal fatigue. I need to get a clear idea of what is going on with my body without constantly adding a stimulant and that is what I plan to do for the next 30 days.<br />
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Day 1 was successful, but the first day always is. It's day 7 that I have a problem with, so we shall see. I wish I had taken pics of all my meals, but here is the low down of what I ate:<br />
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Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs, sliced tomato, and 1/4 of a cucumber seasoned with salt and pepper<br />
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Snack: Sliced strawberries with bananas<br />
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Lunch: Modified Tacos (Ground beef, tomato, and avocado) served over cabbage.<br />
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Snack: Smoothie (Kale, strawberry, and peach) it was quite tart, so it may not work for everyone<br />
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Dinner: Chicken with cabbage<br />
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Also, I only drink green tea (unsweetened), water, and my smoothies during the day.<br />
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That's it for Day #1. I plan to actually take pictures of what I eat, hopefully.<br />
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Also, here is a link to what the <a href="http://whole9life.com/start/" target="_blank">Whole 30</a> is actually about.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-53578050627259343782013-06-29T16:10:00.002-07:002013-06-29T16:23:19.756-07:00Update (11 months post TT)Please forgive me for my absence. I truly appreciate all those that sent me messages inquiring about my health and well-being. It is funny how the anonymity of online correspondence can be quite comforting when dealing with an illness. It is as if the closest people to you can't grasp the full gravity of what is happening to you because he or she sees you everyday and either can't or refuses to acknowledge your reality. But, in an online environment, my words are my truths and I am accepted and cared for. I am forever grateful for the thoughts that were sent my way.<br />
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Now, for the update:</div>
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I had a horrible time during the initial months after surgery. There were a number of things that I didn't expect to happen. First, I didn't expect the anger I felt about having an unnecessary surgery. I realize that the doctors were doing what they thought was best, but there must be another way. Second, all of the issues that come along with being Hypo hit me like a dump truck. I started to gain weight, the depression sat on me constantly, my ability to have conversations and concentrate disappeared. I thought I would begin to take steps forwards after surgery, but instead I found myself taking steps backwards. I was once again, ill. I had to take the semester off from school, which really put me down in the dumps. That was one of the things that I held onto that made me feel as though I was beating this thing. I had to acknowledge that I was different and though being humbled builds incredible character, I just didn't want to be humbled yet again with limitations. Another thing came about, which made me stop blogging. I had become the thyroid girl. I would bring it up in all my conversations. I carried it with me wherever I went. I was consumed with all things thyroid. I was becoming an extremist. <b style="color: red;">Disclaimer: I think we all should be extremist when it comes to our health, but in all things, there must be a balance. </b>I needed to take a break and find me again, so I did and the journey has been painful and refreshing. </div>
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Enough of that, here is how I got better (not quite back to me, but close). </div>
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1. I got off of the Levothyroxine and switched to Synthroid. I also added Cytomel. (Synthroid 100MCG, Cytomel 50MCG) - I really feel like I need to try an Armour or Naturethroid. I'll keep you posted.</div>
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2. I revamped my diet again. I do still eat a paleo diet the majority of the time and will be starting a Whole 30 at the beginning of July. I plan to blog about it. </div>
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3. I got to sleep. There is no need for an explanation. It is a process and it doesn't always happen, but I consciously make an effort to sleep at least 6 hours. </div>
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5. I have just added yoga and learning to listen to my body. For years, I thought it was a bunch of nonsense, but I can't do what I use to do. I live off of manufactured energy provided by the 2 pills I take every day. I need to aid my body with meditation and breathing. I need to be mindful in all that I surround myself around - I'm about to go on a tangent, but I am learning to listen and breathe, which is awesome for someone like myself.</div>
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That's it! </div>
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Someone sent me a message asking me if I felt that the TT (total thyroidectomy) was the right choice and I couldn't answer the question in a straight manner, but now that I think about it I would have to say that it isn't and wasn't the best choice for me. You see, I NEVER had bad labs, except for the Hashimoto's antibodies of course. Yes, I had a nodule that was suspicious and they couldn't get a definite answer, but now, especially with the way the world is going, I often think about what happens when I can't get my medication. I think about all that my body is missing. Every cell in your body uses the thyroid hormone and I depend on synthetic medication to do something that it really can never do fully. Of course, if one has cancer the answer is quite simple and that is to remove the thyroid, but in the numerous cases of individuals like myself we are constantly told that medication will make us whole again and that is simply not true. </div>
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Bye for now. Below is a picture of how my neck looks now. You can barely see the scar.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-24167564361099893812012-09-06T20:45:00.001-07:002012-09-06T20:45:31.467-07:006 weeks post Thyroidectomy<br />
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I feel horrible. </div>
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When I initially came home after my surgery, I was in pain but I was full of hope. I had this feeling of being extremely tired, but as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That feeling is gone. My old friend has returned...that weight, that feeling of walking through deep sand with a huge weight on my back has returned. I'm hurt, but I am no longer upset about it. I was mad when I noticed "the weight" returned. I had this feeling of betrayal and being overwhelmed. I have never gone into detail about exactly how I feel, but I'm compelled to do so this evening. I don't know why I haven't done this before. So here it goes....</div>
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I can't sleep most of the time and if I do it's not restful sleep, so I am Mommy, wife, and student in a zombie like state. I wake up in the morning, my heart pounds like its about to come out of my chest. I don't get up quickly because I know from experience that I will faint, so I just wait. My children come in and I slowly get up and I will myself to ignore the pounding. By the time, I make it to the top of my stairs the pounding stops, but by the time I get to the bottom of the stairs, I feel thirsty, dizzy, and weak. Over time, the thirst and dizziness goes away, but there are so many other things that hurt that I don't know for sure if it does go away. I get cross eyed while picking up my children's vitamins and find myself steadying myself most mornings to get it all together. I forget things often, even eating. I have to write down what I am going to make for my children for breakfast, lunch and dinner because mid-way into cooking, I forget what I was doing. When I drive my daughter to school, I talk on the phone to keep myself centered. My eyes don't drift and I feel secure that if something does happen, someone will know. I can't concentrate, so I spend hours doing homework. My body aches to the point that I have to call my husband home somedays because my hips lock up and I can't walk. I fine myself sometimes talking to people and can't remember what they have said even though I am looking directly at them. I have somehow developed this Costochondritis (look it up), which hurts like you have no idea. I have also developed an extreme sensitivity to gluten or maybe even soy. If I eat out, I break out in hives, no matter what. Today, was my first day without a hive break out. I went for 4 days with hives on my face. There are other things too, like the weight, which I can only attribute to depression. I use to be so active. I use to be so full of life and now I feel as if I'm mourning the old me at times.</div>
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I went to see my regular doctor (Endo doesn't want to see me until the 13th) and she told me that I needed to find a way to accept that this is my life now. I wanted to slap her, but after thinking about it for a little while, I think she is right. I have to learn to accept it because being sad and angry will not do anything for me. My daughter helped me to learn that in an innocent conversation a while back. I, in my motherly wisdom told her that sadness and anger can kill a person and then I thought about myself. I have to let it go. </div>
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In all honesty, most people would be tired in my shoes. I am a stay at-home mother with 2 very active children. I have a husband that I like very much ;) and I take 4 classes at the local community college. Most people in my shoes would be tired, so I have come to realize that a lot of my fatigue is relative to my lifestyle; however, the other symptoms don't fall in the tired mom category. If you read this, would anyone be so kind as to suggest what I should say to the Endo. I'm at a loss. I know it takes time to get medication right after surgery, but I can't go on like this much longer. I'm barely holding on. The bright side is that I got a neck lift out of all this. I'm posting pictures, so they should be below. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5Zc7eoPaVD0puT-Ll4h2Qc6hgHLjNzImBKd1Mhxdhmb5DUykJAE7_yuzUmS76-spaYzCQBjzndh6Zylk3OmktReQnkH21qfzMzIHnUJ1cFN8qelGSIfrqVcg3GsNXr5MeWT3qLvrnug8x/s1600/IMG_1237.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5Zc7eoPaVD0puT-Ll4h2Qc6hgHLjNzImBKd1Mhxdhmb5DUykJAE7_yuzUmS76-spaYzCQBjzndh6Zylk3OmktReQnkH21qfzMzIHnUJ1cFN8qelGSIfrqVcg3GsNXr5MeWT3qLvrnug8x/s320/IMG_1237.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BEFORE SURGERY</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Q4wFS1cErSvYAIkH6wIcg4FygvjI_ZouDxVuWn5VsUS2bGsNaqUYbsAlSMz2TSuiL65T8_GOwLCtSqnfQCyuECYeBctEAQ_n2IwVTutahKTqI9rMDTzTbFQoikiKulYwu_cuT0_ddGYr/s1600/IMG_1240.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Q4wFS1cErSvYAIkH6wIcg4FygvjI_ZouDxVuWn5VsUS2bGsNaqUYbsAlSMz2TSuiL65T8_GOwLCtSqnfQCyuECYeBctEAQ_n2IwVTutahKTqI9rMDTzTbFQoikiKulYwu_cuT0_ddGYr/s320/IMG_1240.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">1 WEEK POST OP</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">6 WEEK POST OP</td></tr>
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Thoughts?</div>
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One more thing, I find it ironic that my appointment with the Veteran's Affairs Endocrinologist is at the end of the month. This appointment was made back in April I believe. I have no thyroid. I am happy to cancel my appointment for someone else, but I still think its a damn shame what they are doing to veterans. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-14925894467537775282012-08-08T19:42:00.002-07:002012-08-08T19:42:45.571-07:00Week 1 & 2 - RecoveryI'm going to see the surgeon tomorrow. I am hoping he will take this bandage off of my neck. I am getting tired of people staring at it. I told a lady at the library the other day that it was a tattoo. She gave me a quick uncomfortable smile and ran away. I told another lady that I was covering up a hole where my cigarette goes in. She too, scurried away. I can't keep doing that...especially with my children around. It is amusing. My daughter just looks at me with a knowing smirk and I know I'm creating a child with a very dark sense of humor. I simply can't help myself sometimes.<br />
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It will be a full 2 weeks since I have had my surgery and I think I have had an epiphany. I realize, since surgery, that exhaustion does not include the feeling of being weighed down. I think the feeling of being weighed down is...depression. Along with this new information, I have come to accept that I have more than likely been depressed for a very long time. I come from a long line of women that laugh at the word "depressed". I am or was one of those type of people. How on Earth could I be depressed if I laugh, find joy, or even look forward to making other people happy? I simply don't know the answer to that, but I do know that although I am exhausted most of the time now, I don't feel weighed down anymore. I want to run again and go places and dance in the kitchen with my kids. I don't think I was an Eeyore before surgery, probably more like Pooh Bear, but now I want to be Tigger. If only I had a thyroid to help out with energy part and of course better hips to aid me with dancing and running, life would be perfect.<br />
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Along with the grey clouds being lifted, I have been given back my memory. I don't remember much and that is something that I have been dealing with for years. I have important memories that I hold dear, but the majority of my childhood is essentially gone. I am starting to remember things that have seemed fuzzy for years and most of those memories are not good. It has unnerved me and I have begun to think that maybe on some crazy level my thyroid was protecting me or it could be that stressed out little girls grow up to have stressed adrenals and everything else begins to breakdown. I'm only speaking for myself, but I remember seeing a psychologist about 3 years ago. I was feeling tired. I was unable to get any restful sleep or any sleep at all. I felt like I was at the beginning of a breakdown. My regular doctor wanted to give me an antidepressant and because "I don't get depressed", I refused. He suggested I see a psychologist. I believed I was stressed not depressed for obvious reasons. My husband had been deployed 3 months after we had our daughter and was basically missing the first year of her life. We moved from our home in Texas to a much smaller one in NC. I was in a new place with no friends or family. It was stressful not depressing, or so I thought.<br />
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The psychologist was weird, but now that I think back on her, I should have listened. After we spoke at length, she told me that she didn't believe that I was stressed because of any of the issues I told her about (I spoke about Iraq and my husband's deployment), she thought I had depleted the cortisol in my body because of the constant stress in my life as a whole. She believed that I had PTSD, but didn't think it had anything to do with Iraq. She, from one question, in which I was blindly honest, figured that I had PTSD from my childhood and my cortisol levels had been slowly depleting since a very early age. I thought the lady was full of crap, but now that I have educated myself, I realize what she was describing was Adrenal Fatigue. If only she would have said the name! I never went back to her after that first meeting and now (since surgery) I think of her often. She read me correctly and that scared me. I have always been able to hide the pain of my childhood quite well, but she saw it and I felt like I couldn't breathe after leaving her. I had been found out. She could see that I was damaged and I didn't like that. The question that gave me away was: What do you want in your life? My answer: A home without chaos.<br />
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So...here I am with a bandage around my neck thinking, and thinking. The fog in my brain has lifted and because of that...I think way too much. 2 weeks after surgery and I have no new "thyroid" stuff going on. My journey is taking me back to reflect on fixing the inner me. I will say that even though I think or self reflect more often, there is no emotion attached, which is weird to me. There is a dullness and I can't put my finger on what that is. <br />
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Oh wait, I'm lying...I did get blood work back and the Endo doesn't want to do anything to my medication just yet. Speaking with some people on the Hashimoto's support page on FB, I have been reminded that I need to take it slow in regards to getting the optimal level of medication. Here are my labs: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">TSH 0.762 (0.450-4.500), T4 1.68 (0.82-1.77), T3 2.6 (2.0-4.4), TPO 507 (0-34). Let me know what you think.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-20928089518071649952012-08-01T09:18:00.001-07:002012-08-01T09:18:24.307-07:00Step 3: SurgeryThe thyroid cloud has rolled in and has settled on my brain. It feels like I'm swimming in cloudy, gray water desperately trying to find my way to the top to get some fresh air and escape. I find it amusing...right now. I guess this is what happens after having ones thyroid removed less than a week ago.<br />
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The surgery was a success. I no longer have a thyroid, but thankfully, I still feel like me.<br />
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We (my husband and I) arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. I was in surgery by 7 a.m. and out by 10:30 a.m. The drugs they gave me before taking me up to the operating room were AWESOME! I don't remember much from the time the lady put them in, though I know I was conscious during that time. Heaven only knows what I said. My last memory was of my husband walking away from me and telling the nurse that he didn't like to say goodbye because it seemed like we weren't going to see each other again. I remembered thinking that he should have told me that because I thought he was just being an insensitive ass. A few seconds later, he returned and kissed me on the forehead and said he loved me and again walked away. That's all I remember. The next conscious thought I have is of waking up in recovery.<br />
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Recovery, to me, was a glimpse into hell. There are people moaning and you can't see them, but you can hear them. You really don't know what's going on because you're high, so it's kind of real but not. The lady next to me kept screaming, "it's burning, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP". I was beginning to think I had really messed up, but then I fell back asleep and awoke more aware of my surroundings. The lady was still screaming, but I was fully aware of where I was and what was going on. The doctor came and told me that they took the thyroid out and pathology should come back in 5 days. I gave him a high five. Yes, I gave him a high five. I was high, what do you expect?<br />
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They took me to my room and that's when the pain and my bladder hit me. I was very, very sore and I had to pee like my life depended on it. The soreness is intensified because it's in such an awkward place. I tried to lift my head and boy, did it hurt. The nurse told me to relax, but all I could think of was making it to the toilet. She (the nurse) reminded me of my grandmother, which alarmed me. I told her I need to go and it took about 2 minutes to unhook all of the devices so I could actually make it. Thankfully, I made it, but my whole body wasn't in compliance to being upright and I barfed. It hurt so bad and it continued to happen on and off for the rest of the day.<br />
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The rest of my stay in the hospital was uneventful. The nurse, like my grandmother, just didn't seem comfortable leaving me alone to just sleep. She would come in and remind me to get up and walk, use the breathing machine, and not get depressed. Who does that? My calcium dipped to a very low level and almost delayed my release, but it came back up and it was expected considering the surgery happened so close to the parathyroid gland. I came home the day after surgery and felt fine. I had no brain fog. I was just sore. Today, is day 4 post surgery and I definitely feel like those early thyroid days.<br />
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We got the pathology report back and it's not Cancer. The funny thing is that when I heard the doctor say it, I was angry. I know it's stupid, but I never wanted to have this surgery. I felt like I had taken my thyroid out for no reason. I felt stupid. I had a pity party for all of 20 minutes. My husband had to remind me that most people don't cry when they hear they don't have cancer. That put things into perspective. <br />
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I went to the Endo yesterday after hearing the results and got my levels checked and he upped my dosage to 75 mcg of Synthroid. I'm no longer on Levothyroxine. He told me that it (Levothyroxine) was not good for me after a thyroidectomy and from this point on I should be on Synthroid. That made me feel good because a friend told me that earlier. He also said that my dosage would slowly be increased because it was dangerous to shoot me up without monitoring my blood. Funny thing is that my insurance won't pay for Synthroid, so we have to pay $30 a month for me to be sane. I'm not complaining because I know others pay more for things they need, but I think it's completely nonsense.<br />
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That's it. Now the journey to wellness continues. Also, if any of you have seen my appetite, please tell it to come back. I'm withering away over here and I hate forcing myself to eat.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-71557587762069835422012-07-26T20:48:00.004-07:002012-07-26T20:49:27.229-07:00Night before surgeryI don't want to do this surgery. <br />
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I keep repeating that statement to family and friends. I simply am in no mood to do this surgery.<br />
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I think about other people's journey's and I feel like I'm being ungrateful. There are people suffering who would gladly take my place, but all I can think of is just sleeping in and saying, "the hell with it!", but I can't and I know this is supposed to be the best decision in this process.<br />
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I can't stop thinking about my mother. My mother has Graves Disease. She has had a thyroid issue forever. I vaguely remember her not being ill, but all I know of her is sickness. I don't want to be like her.<br />
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I guess that's my biggest fear. I am afraid of waking up and being my mother. I model myself, as a mother, after my own mother. She was always kind and soft spoken, but when she meant business, her voice would raise and you knew it was time to get in line. She always made me and still does make me feel like I was a gift from God. She calls me her miracle baby. She has always looked at me with love. Because of my mother, I knew, even before having my own children that a mother's love is never ending, indescribable, and magical. One might ask, why, if she was and is all of those things, then why don't I want to be like her. The answer is quite simple, she is alive but rarely here with us. I lost my mother years ago.<br />
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My mother cannot follow a conversation. There are times that she gets so muffled in the cloud of thyroid disease that she is disoriented almost like dementia. I resented her for a very long time for not being "normal". It was all so gradual. First, she just seemed off. Little things, like a blank stare or continuously asking you to repeat something. It was like she was in slow motion. Then it sped up and she wouldn't sleep for days. She was always going. It was like she couldn't control it. There was always something that needed to be done. During her hyper swings, she would develop heart palpitations, but the doctors never found anything wrong, so we all thought she was making it up. When I was about 11 or 12 years old, she put me behind the wheel of her car on a rainy day because they had gotten so bad. There was no point in her going to the doctor because the test said there was nothing wrong. A few years after that rainy day, I went to visit my mother in the hospital after they put in a pace maker. She has had a mini stroke. Her teeth are falling out. Her hair will not grow. Her bones are brittle and she has a terrible case of OCD. <br />
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She does have moments of clarity and I cherish those. In those moments, I try to tell her to see a different doctor. I try to tell her all that I have learned, but she just smiles and nods. She isn't concerned anymore. She once told me that she knows she's different, but she is okay with that.<br />
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So...this is why I am frightened. They killed her thyroid many years ago and from that point on, I have only gotten snippets of my mother. Granted, we are like night and day and I don't have the husband she had (my father was a very mean man), so my stress is nothing like hers, but I am still her child and this thyroid disease still came to get me even though I thought I was living a life that wouldn't allow it in. It still came to get me and now I worry if I will wake up from surgery and be the mother to my children that I was today. <br />
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I prayed for my children. They are like my air. I want to be engaged in their lives. I don't want to be a ghost, simply around in the shadows. I want to be their mommy. I want this shit to be done. I want to live life, laugh, and be free of this illness. <br />
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God, I am begging you to please let me be me when this is all said and done. <br />
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If you are reading this, sign this petition for <a href="http://www.thyroidchange.org/" target="_blank">ThyroidChange</a>. Too many generations have suffered with thyroid disease. A change needs to happen and we need your help, please.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-931630406278551477.post-8463368386842268042012-07-23T13:17:00.001-07:002012-07-23T13:17:36.944-07:00Step 2: Go to the Pre-Op InterviewI woke up this morning with nothing on my mind, but breakfast. I wanted to try out this new recipe and not think about my 11:15 appointment at the hospital. The breakfast was terrible. <br />
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As we drove to the hospital, I began to cry. My husband grabbed my hand and asked me what was wrong. I told him I really didn't want to do any of it. I composed myself and started discussing our plans for vacation. We plan to go away on holiday in December. It is something I long for. I cannot wait to be away.<br />
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We checked in at the desk. I was given a form to fill out about previous surgeries, illnesses, and current medications. On paper, I'm pretty healthy except the thyroid box and the previous surgeries box. I have had a lumpectomy, appendectomy, 2 C-sections and a DNC. I guess that's good for a 33 year old. 40 minutes later I was called into a room with a very nice lady. She went over my form and said, "you're very healthy, you should be fine with surgery". I understand that she must see the worse of the worse, but it is an insult to be told that you are healthy when you have thyroid disease. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. I wanted to tell her that I was ill. I wanted to tell her that healthy didn't involve having a surgeon cutting your throat to get out something that was causing you so many problems. Instead of verbally assaulting this woman, I decided to smile. She took my vitals and gave me a blue bottle. She instructed me to shower with its contents the night before surgery and the morning of. I was then told that I needed to be at the hospital at 5 a.m. and my surgery would begin at 7:30 in the morning. She then told me that the anesthesiologist would come in next and after he spoke with me, I was free to leave.<br />
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The anesthesiologist seemed pretty indifferent. He, like the lady, informed me that I was healthy and I should do fine in surgery. We went over my previous surgeries, my medication, and then he asked me to open my mouth wide. A little known fact about me is that I have TMJ. My jaw locks when I open it too wide and he made a note to be gentle when putting the tube down my throat. He informed me that they will give me a solution to relax when I arrive and then another when we get in the operating room to put me to sleep. That was it from him and I was free to enjoy the rest of my day.<br />
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The surgery should last a total of 1 to 2 hours if everything goes according to plan. I should be in recovery for the same amount of time. However, I believe the recovery will be much longer. I think it is going to take some time for me to figure out how to get back to me after having my thyroid removed. I'm not looking forward to it either.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00493382910414741903noreply@blogger.com6